for now but not forever

good morning readers. i wanted to let you know that i'm going to be taking a break from writing this blog for a while. in some ways, this is hard to do that because it has acted as a certain kind of outlet for me and i've gotten such kind and enthusiastic feedback from so many of you. as many of you know, i also had an article published in glamour magazine about this journey and i've also gotten amazing emails and letters from that. it means so much to me that any of my words or experiences make even a single moment easier or more bearable or valuable for anyone, and i maintain that it hasn't been my experience that's been different than anyone else's, it's just my willingness to share it openly and honestly. i feel proud for having done that, and i take to heart the bravery that it has taken which so many people have acknowledged. what i need to do now, though, takes more bravery than writing about it, and that's to stop writing about it, at least on a regular basis, in this format. 

what i've realized is that in my effort to document all that i've been feeling and thinking and experiencing, i've started to keep my feelings at arm's length by packaging and wordsmithing them for the world to consume. an article or a full piece once in a while about something i’ve had time to reflect on is one thing, and i’ll still do that from time to time. but in terms of the format of a daily or weekly blog, i've started to notice that unless i'm processing a feeling that will end up in a post i'm writing, i'm not processing it at all. i've used writing to be an onlooker to what i'm feeling and to explain away and tie up neatly every feeling i have - and they don't all tie up neatly. in some ways, the same separation food used to grant me from my feelings, writing about them has started to do the same. at some point along the way, my writing here stopped being a journal for me and started being a blog for other people, and i'm not ready to stop being about me yet. what i started to notice was that if the feeling or struggle i was having was too intense or too private to share, not only would i not share it, but i wouldn't even allow myself to experience it, because i would feel guilty and wrong not sharing a feeling i was having.  i'm quite certain that when a tree falls in the forest, it makes a sound whether or not people are there to hear it, and i've been acting like it only matters when it falls on others' ears - not on purpose, not as a cop-out, but more because i think the strength i got from other people helped to put me on this path, and now it's time to take off the training wheels. 

so yes, i think it's time for me to do this on my own for a little while, of course with the support of my family, my husband, my therapist and the rest of my team, but alone in the sense that i'm not putting it all out there to be received by the whole world. i think the feelings of exposure and rawness aren't helping me right now, and i need to help me.

i want to thank you for all your support and readership, and this isn't goodbye forever, just for now. i'll still be writing here, and please keep sending me your emails - i love all the tips and pep talks and the intimate and touching stories you've shared, and i'm happy to share mine back - i just need to do it in a more private, one-on-one way now. one-on-one with you, and with me.

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thin skin

some days, i feel a careful separation between me and what the world thinks of fat people. and other days, that separation seems to have evaporated into thin air. i find myself on edge after seeing or hearing an insensitive comment and i feel a generalized sense of malaise. it's frustrating, though not surprising, that external things can sometimes feel so personal.take for example, the douchebag asshole on facebook who apparently has a very sophisticated sense of humor. the photos above and below are his two most recent status updates. asshole. unfriended asshole, that is.

i thought about sharing some parting words before i unfriended him, but really, why? what would it get me? 

then in the much more evolved but still upsetting realm, i read an article about a woman who lost 120 lbs by cutting out processed foods, etc, which i think is great. what put me in a bad mood was the way she dismissed gastric bypass surgery, which she had considered and then decided against. 

i get that people sometimes think it's the easy way out, though i stopped having that notion as soon as i understood what it entailed for life. the part that bothers me is the notion of doing it "on your own" and it's what stopped me from considering the surgery earlier (read about how i decided to do it here). for me, doing it "on my own" wasn't as important as DOING IT, and i arrived at the fact that if i knew how to do it, i would have done it already, a hundred times. if the woman featured in this article can do it "on her own," then i'm happy for her. so whatever, i can brush that off. 

but what left me feeling uneasy and sad was the casual mention of how many people gain the weight back. why does that bug me so much? probably because i know it's true and i have the deepest, most intense fear that it will happen to me.

liquid update

so...i'd say my three days of liquids was a good exercise. i lost 5 pounds (water weight of course), but most of all, i have regained a sense of control. it's not ironclad, but it feels better. as carrie and i discussed the other night, i am going back to counting carbs (no more than 45 net carbs a day, no more than 15 at a time). i think it's really going to help steer me away from trigger foods in the way it did at first. somewhere along the line - and i don't know how or why - i stopped seeing that as a hard and fast rule, and i think that coincided pretty closely with my plateau. not a coincidence at all, i'm guessing...

i ended up eating dinner wednesday night which i wasn't planning (was planning to do the full day wednesday on protein as well), because i found myself starting to really fantasize about eating. i'm assuming it was mainly because i was physically very hungry, but also i think it must have been bringing up feelings of deprivation, which i've learned never go anywhere good. i just knew i wasn't going to feel like i had failed...mitchell was trying to help me consider whether i should just wait until thursday to eat, but i really felt secure in the idea that the exercise started to take a turn that would have hurt me more than it helped, so i ate dinner and that was that.

overall, the protein shake idea was a good one, and one i could see doing again if i needed a reset again at some time in the future.

more liquid courage

so i'm feeling good about my all-protein-shakes-all-the-time-regimen at the moment. i've been doing four shakes a day, which is 680 calories and 140 grams of protein. 

on monday, i felt pretty good all day and didn't get really hungry until later at night when i was sitting at home watching tv. what i did notice throughout the day was how many times my mind went to food, which i guess isn't surprising. what was a pleasant surprise was that i didn't have real cravings and that's something that definitely has changed since the surgery, i've noticed. in that way, my hunger and urges have changed. so that's good.

yesterday (day 2) was a little harder...i was pretty hungry from about noon on and had a lunch meeting that smelled quite good (i have another one today). what i find i'm thinking about as far as food, which is nice, is fresh and healthy foods - mostly vegetables. that makes me feel proud and healthy, and i'm hoping that that will guide me as i reenter the food world tomorrow. of course i have to prioritize protein, but i think i can value both equally.

last night my energy was very low which i remember happening on the liquid diet pre-surgery and i felt very hungry but it is what it is.

when i walk by restaurants and food trucks and markets, i see and smell the food and for a moment i'm afraid a craving or a sadness or a feeling of deprivation will overtake me, but then i just as quickly notice that it doesn't. i don't feel much about it at all. that's the biggest surprise, how much less i feel that when i'm not eating than when i am. though i guess it's not that shocking after all - when you know you will have nothing, it's easier in a way. i guess that speaks to why people say that food is the hardest addiction to break - because you have to eat, whereas you could cut out other vices completely and be fine. so i guess by cutting out food completely on these days, it's black and white and that's easier than gray any day of the week.

another interesting thing i've noticed is that i feel less of a hunger in other ways too...i've been feeling so full of want recently - want of stuff, of money, of food, of certain feelings - and in the last 2 days, i feel more at peace with what i have ... less consumptive, if that's a word. i guess consumption yields more consumption and creates a bottomless pit? that's my running theory at the moment...

liquid courage

i decided to go on a liquid protein plan for three days - today, tomorrow and wednesday. i'm doing the same thing i did for the three weeks leading up to my surgery - pure protein shakes which will provide me with plenty of protein that i'm not getting from food. after the three days, i'll reassess...i'm thinking it's possible i might decide to stick with them at night for a little longer since night eating is proving to be one of my biggest challenges.

i'm doing this because i want to tighten up my pouch and the sensation of fullness i get from it. also to jump start weight loss which has been slllooooooow for months for all the reasons detailed here and also, and perhaps most importantly, because i feel like i need a mental cleanse. i've been feeling the same way that i did a few days before my liquid phase started pre-surgery - like i just need a reprieve from thinking about food. that's the part (one of the many) that doesn't go away with the surgery. it's a gastric bypass, not a lobotomy.

i'm sure i'll be hungry and though i hope i won't find myself bargaining and negotiating, i'm sure there's a grave possibility of that too. but i'm doing it. i'll keep you posted.

long time no write

i've been totally absent from writing on this blog because i've been having a really hard time. it's not that i don't want to face the struggles i'm dealing with in the way that writing about them would make me face it - it's more that i am dealing with them so intensely every day that the last thing i want to do is write about them. i'd much rather be writing about gift wrap and little trees of rosemary. i do know the common wisdom that the days you feel least like doing something (exercise, therapy, meditation) are the days you need them the most, so i'm willing to try that approach.

i'm struggling mainly because i'm feeling hungry a lot, and even when i'm not hungry, i'm having trouble with not eating the rest of what's on my plate. i know i've talked about the challenge i face when i'm physically satisfied but there's still more food i'm "allowed" to have...and that's still a daily struggle. i feel like i could stop eating and be satisfied physically, but i don't want to stop eating. and i feel like at the heart of that is a key to so much of this for me - why don't i feel thrilled that 4 ounces of food fills me and feel overjoyed at the idea of leaving the extra 2 ounces on the plate? why do i feel compelled to eat that other 2 ounces? i still don't understand that. i think it's because of what i realized a while ago - that it's not as much about the food for me as it is about the eating...i enjoy the sensation and the comfort of eating and it almost doesn't matter what i'm eating sometimes. and i guess i still -- even with a stomach the size of a walnut -- don't want that feeling of eating, of comfort, of happiness to end. additionally, i feel like while i might get full quickly, i don't seem to stay full. i think that has to do maybe with my speed in eating, which i know should be slower, and that seems to be a challenge too. and i think it all comes back to the same things probably...i think i need to really work on reminding myself that i'll be eating again in another couple hours, and that i can leave food on my plate and come back to it later if i'm hungry, because i think part of eating it all is this primal urge towards scarcity - what if it's not there when i need it? now's my chance...and i think a lot of that probably originated as a kid when i was closet eating. but i'm not a kid anymore, and as my therapist carrie has said, it's time for grown-up carla to change that. 

what the eating problem leads to is the calorie problem. i have myself trying not to exceed 12oo calories a day and i don't know if maybe that's not enough and that's why i find myself going over every day or if it's just that i'm having trouble controlling it...nothing new there. i've started to experiment with raising my intake to around 1400 and see how that goes. maybe if i feel less restricted, i'll feel more in control. to make sure that wasn't too many calories, i checked my basal metabolic rate which is the number of calories one needs to maintain their weight...mine is 1784, so theoretically, anything beneath that amount would be a loss. my nutritionist would say that i should keep that as low as possible to maximize my weight loss, but i'm going to see how 1400 feels.

i'm also struggling with exercise, which is nothing new. at carrie's suggestion, i tried a spin class last weekend. it was so hard, but i promised i'd try and i promised myself i would stay through the whole class. you know how a lot of people have this competitive thing with themselves that they would never let themselves not finish a class, or back out of a planned exercise session, or get off the treadmill after only ten minutes? i'm not one of those people. but i figured as carrie and i talked that i'd be slightly less likely to walk out a well-populated class with a yelling instructor than i would be to just step off the treadmill on my own. so...my butt and crotch hurt for days, and if i had a dollar for every time i thought about walking out, it would have paid my gym membership for the month. but i didn't walk out, and i felt pretty amazing about that. i haven't gone back for another class yet, but i went for a long and intense walk the next day, and i bought a padded seat for the bike so i can go again on saturday and have it hurt less. my goal is to have several different things to do exercise-wise during each week, and this can be one of them. because i did two intense days over the weekend, i didn't feel the crippling guilt this week that i've been feeling, and that's been a step up, but i know i need to still add more days.

mind your business

i'm getting really irritated with everyone being so involved in what i'm eating and my progress. i don't feel that way all the time, but i'm feeling that way right now. and i feel like it's my own doing by being so open about the whole process, and mainly, i'm glad i am. but i just feel very on display right now (shout out to melissa gorga fans). 

it's mostly at work, in the kitchen as i'm assembling my meals. "what's that?" or "that smells good, what is it?" or ..."so you can eat stuff like that?" or "so what is it, a high protein diet you're on?" sometimes there's "you always have such colorful looking meals" or "so how many pounds down is it now?" i know everyone means well, but sometimes i just feel like STOP LOOKING AT ME. STOP COMMENTING ON MY FOOD. you'd think people would realize that someone with massive food issues might not want to be watched all the time.  

i guess i generally feel it most when i'm not the proudest of what i'm eating, if it's something i feel is a little processed like turkey bacon or these awesome green giant vegetables. i just feel this pressure to be perfect about all this and i feel it even more, and like i'm being even more imperfect, when everyone's watching me.

one size fits most

and i'm part of the most!! well, alright, this one-size-fits-most robes isn't the most flattering of robes there ever was, but it closed. i was presented with it when i had a mammogram recently, and i had that all-too-familiar worry that it wouldn't fit and that i'd have to ask for a larger one, or the only thing available in most cases, which would be a second one, to layer on top of this one so i wouldn't be exposed. the medical industry is one of those that a part of me expects would be kinder to obese people, but is just as cruel about it as the rest of the world. (case in point here). i have to say, while i'm on that subject, that my surgeon has recently opened a new office that is blissfully equipped for an obese clientele - large, comfortable scales, large, comfortable chairs, large, comfortable doorways. it's a sight to see, and one that feels appropriate and thoughtful, especially in that setting and it's shocking that it's the very first place i've ever seen it. but i digress...

ANYWAY, the reason for my first-ever mammogram and sonogram was because a few months ago, when i was undressing, i saw a literal lump on my left breast. i SAW it. then i felt it, and it was definitely there and then it dissipated back into my breast, never to be seen again. i'm a worrier, and i felt grim and frightened. i made an appointment with a breast doctor who didn't feel anything, but sent me for a mammo nonetheless, to be sure. my theory, my mom's theory and the doctor's theory too was that because of all the weight i've lost and the way my tissue is shifting and morphing all the time, it was probably a combination of that fact as well as new bra that was perhaps compressing me in a different way. 

but to be safe, i had my mammogram which i was pleasantly surprised did not hurt at all, and they called me back to have a repeat screening of my right breast where they saw "calcifications." since it was my first time, they didn't know if that was normal for me and wanted to get a good look. i went back, had the second one and was told that nothing looked terribly concerning and that i should come back in 6 months to have another one done so we can truly establish a baseline and know if these lumpy bumpy calcifications are normal for me.

but the robe fit!

through the turnstile

i really can't overstate what it feels like to walk through a subway turnstile straight forward, without having to slide through sideways. it feels like...nothing. which is amazing. it's amazing for things like that to feel effortless and without pain, shame or heartache. that's all for today.

bottoms up, part two

so remember how i totally handled my liquor the first few times i tried drinking again? yeah, not so much one night a couple weeks ago when out for a work function. luckily, i don't think i was inappropriate (i don't think...), but i felt like death on a stick the next day. i think i probably had about three or four drinks over the course of the night (note the word probably, as i actually have no idea), and i have to be clear and say that the probably three or four drinks i had were over the course of probably 6 or 7 hours...i don't want you to think me totally irresponsible. anyway, i ended up at penn station close to midnight eating a piece of pizza. so yeah. looking back, there were a few problems: 

first, i hardly ate at dinner because our dinner had been pre-ordered and it was pizza.  i didn't eat it because i don't eat things like that anymore (yes, i do note the irony given a few sentences ago....) by the time i realized that the various pizzas on our table were in fact dinner and not an appetizer, there wasn't much time to order and they weren't very protein friendly. i ended up with a few bites of a very wilty green salad, and that was that. i wasn't hungry, i was perfectly comfortable. and buzzed. and having a great time. that was the other problem...

i was having so much fun! i didn't want it to end, so i kept drinking. very simple, really. and in many ways, that's been my problem with food too. i like it, it tastes good, it feels good, give me more. of course over the years as my wires have gotten crossed, it's gotten more complicated and more nuanced than that, but the bare bones of it are there.

when i was calling home checking in, mitchell was nervous. he could hear that i was more than just tipsy, and he was worried. i assured him that i was fine (i was!) and that i was just having fun. i got home fine, threw up a little (sorry) and then woke up a few hours later certain that i would never again feel normal.

i haven't had a drink since then, but what i do notice is that i've been so hungry (i did get my period also, so there's that too) and i've been craving carbs since then. THANKS PIZZA. it's kind of ridic how that works. it was ONE NIGHT. and yet, the carb bug has infected my brain again. and i don't mean brown rice and flax and quinoa, the grains and carbs i do eat. let me put it this way...the next day, once i felt somewhat human again, all i wanted in the world was a bologna hero. imagine that. 

NO I DID NOT EAT A BOLOGNA HERO. but i wanted to.

TGFS (thank god for stretch)

alright so remember the great advice from my nutritionist about stretchy black pants? they're totally necessary when shrinking sizes quickly without an unlimited shopping budget. so thank god for target's gilligan and o'malley ones. i think they're actually pajama or lounge pants, but they work perfectly for me for a wide variety of settings, including work. these are the pants i call my "tall pants" because i swear, they make me look taller.

a couple months ago, i bought them in a large (and was THRILLED that a normal size large fit me!!) but in the last month or so, they've become so large and droopy and messy that they no longer work. i think they've gotten longer too, pooling around the ankles. totally not okay. so this weekend, i went back and got the same pants in a size medium. what is WITH their sizing? not that i'm complaining...

well i'd like to think i would have figured out the stretchy black pants tip on my own, but i'm just so thankful it was suggested to me because it's made getting dressed an easier (though still not easy) feat than it would have been.

happy surgiversary to me

today marks a full year since my surgery. as i went through my day today, i paused a few times to look at my watch and remember exactly where i was and what was happening a year ago to the minute. i remember these feelings very well, and probably the way a parent might feel for a child, i feel nervous and excited for my year-ago self. what a year it's been.

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betwixt and between

so it turns out you can be between sizes in just about anything. i can't decide which pair of my glasses look right on me right now, if either. one pair looks too big and boxy, and the other too small and slight. my face seems to be right in the middle. plus these photos aren't doing me any favors...

thoughts? preferences? contacts?

pain in the butt

my behind hurts all the time. well, that's not fair to say. there are periods of time where it doesn't hurt, but mostly any time i sit, or when i get up from sitting it hurts. the obvious explanation is that there's less padding, and that is partially the case, but there are some other factors too.

aPPARently...this is a common complaint for people that spent many years being very overweight and then lost weight. it's not just the lack of padding, but also that all the years of having so much extra fat around the tailbone made it protrude, and now that there is no longer all that tissue, the bone is still protruding and there's no tissue to surround it, so it's exposed. something like that. and that's about what it feels like.

in the car, we have a wedge pillow like this that seems to, for the most part, make it pretty painless but it doesn't work on my home seats. it sinks or something. i have to look into some other options...apparently me and many others, this website would have me believe. so at home, i end up sitting on my hip or one butt cheek to avoid the pressure on my butt. and at work, it's never really been a problem until more recently, so now i use a cheerful little pillow to sit on. overall, it pretty much sucks. i used to love sitting upright on my bed on a weekend afternoon catching up on TV and it just doesn't have the same luster when i have to watch said TV on one butt cheek to avoid searing pain. but the most aggravating part of the discomfort is the one i feel - intense but short - when i stand up...i guess from all the compression and then the subsequent release.

the other factor that i have to say definitely has an impact is the loose skin in that area. when i'm seated, so much extra skin bunches up between my lower back and my butt and that also presses down on the top of my tailbone...can you picture this? would you want to?

i'm told by my surgeon's office that although there is no cure for this problem, nor does the tailbone ever go back in from its protrusion, people only seem to complain about it while they're still in transition and not once they're done losing weight. i guess it could be they just adapt and stop complaining, or maybe they learn to only sit in ways that take the pressure off. 

can you believe this problem?

reflections, part 2

today, for the first time, i didn't recognize my own reflection as i walked by a window. it was a really exhilarating moment ... one of only a few i've had since this process started. let me be clear - it's not that i'm not full of joy and relief - i am, almost every day. but it's one of those things...though it feels surreal sometimes, most of the time, it just feels like my life. it's not without challenges, nor should it be. and it hasn't gone fast - i have felt every day of this past almost-year and it has been hard work, emotionally and physically, and an ever-evolving life. 

so when people ask me "can you believe that you've lost all this weight?," my answer is yes. when people ask if i can believe it's only been a year, my answer is yes. and when i look in the mirror, i most of the time don't feel tremendous waves of emotion when i see my reflection, which is in itself an improvement. i feel okay with what i see, and while i recognize the progress in broad strokes, i don't often experience a rush of pleasure or shock when i see my reflection. but today i did.

bottoms up

so i was cleared to try alcohol in advance of my sister's wedding last weekend. it's supposed to be a year from the surgery, but i asked for special dispensation about three weeks shy of the one year mark. dr. b and sophie (his PA) granted me permission, warning me to go slow and that i would get drunk fast. they suggested one drink. partly, it's because gastric bypass patients tend to have a lower tolerance for alcohol post-surgically. that's partially because we absorb ethanol at a faster rate because the tiny stomach dumps the alcohol directly into the jejunum which has a large surface and absorbs the alcohol quickly. also,  we a) weigh less and b)haven't had a drink in sooo long.

drinking presents challenges - no sugar, no carbonation. so there goes wine and champagne, my two drinks of choice before (really only sad to see champagne go...). so vodka seemed the answer. can't mix it with tonic or soda, or juice...diet snapple it is. so last wednesday night, i tried a half of a shot of vodka mixed with some diet snapple. i definitely got that initial taste of tipsiness on the fast side, but it didn't escalate quickly at all. i felt fine. and it was fun!

so for the festivities surrounding molly's wedding, i sipped vodka. i didn't have diet snapple handy, so i mixed it with a little crystal light and water one night (that was good!) and with water and fresh lemon juice the rest of the time. i actually think it's probably a good thing to mix it with water and lemon juice because it sort of goes down slower than something that tastes like candy. 

mitchell was a little nervous and watching what i drank pretty carefully, but overall, i enjoyed having a couple drinks, and i look forward to doing it again on appropriate occasions :) 

i didn't feel like i got particularly drunk, and it didn't make me want to eat a lot or the wrong things, which i'm very pleased about. i will be very sure, though, to manage my drinking habits...i am well aware that so many weight loss surgery patients experience cross - addiction and addiction transfer, and i have to be mindful about my susceptibility to that. if i find myself looking forward to a drink in the middle of the day, i have to be committed to getting off that train.

i also have to manage my tendency from long ago to want more and more of what's making me feel good (as in: pizza, lo mein, sandwiches, cigarettes, coffee, alcohol...can't i feel that way about the gym?) i need to get used to enjoying the feeling of being a little buzzed and not wanting to feed it with more alcohol that will make me uncomfortably, and perhaps dangerously, intoxicated. i guess i'll be working on it at the same time as i get used to tasting a little bit of something and having that be enough. they're more than a little connected.

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(don't) eat your wheat(ies)

alright, so last week, with the help of my nutritionist adrienne, i decided to eliminate the following from my diet: yeast, wheat, gluten, flour. seems extreme, i know. 

over the last several months, i'd started to experiment with whole grain breads. then as i got more comfortable with trying them (even outside my own home!), i moved to whole wheat breads occasionally, when whole grain wasn't available. i found a "no white" bagel and test drove that. and i can not tell a lie... there were a few stray times when i tried white bread. like, challah roll on the table at the diner bread. you can see where this is going... i also tried pizza. true, there was also the whole wheat pizza from skinny pizza, a wonderful improvement to takeout, for sure. but here's the problem. every time i drove by that wonderful improvement, i wanted pizza. not so wonderful.

i noticed a similar phenomenon when i flew down to florida to be with my mother in law for a procedure she was having (she's fine). in the amazing terminal 5 at jfk, i needed to pick something up to bring on the plane. (no blue potato chips for this girl). i chose a hearty looking turkey sandwich on multi-grain bread. i ate it in three different sittings, and it was highly satisfying and delicious each time. i felt like i had hit the jackpot - here i was, sitting on plane in ONE seat, between strangers, armrests down, tray table down, out of my mind on xanax...okay, i digress...but the point was, i was being a NORMAL person, eating a sandwich and wrapping up the rest for later. who IS this person?

this person is ME. the same one who weighed almost 400 pounds a year ago. because the problem is that that night when it was time for dinner, i ordered another turkey sandwich, this time on whole wheat bread, and i ate the whole thing. did it weigh more than 6 ounces? probably not. but the fact of eating an entire turkey sandwich in one sitting scared me. when i woke up the next day, all i wanted was bread. it's that thing about carbs...we learn and relearn the same lessons over and over, don't we?

at the airport coming home, waiting for my delayed flight in the rain, anxious and tired, i ordered tortilla chips and spinach dip as my dinner. BAD SCENE. i knew right then, with every delicious bite, that i had gone down a bad road;  i had been on a bad jag and that it needed to end. almost the way you might look at confession, i saw adrienne and i told her everything. and here's what she said. she said "this is a whole banquet room you don't need to go into, you just don't need to go there. this is a dark and dangerous road." she also said "if you know something about yourself, just accept it."

that struck me. on one hand, i think she's so right. i agonized for the first couple post-op months trying to understand why some weight loss surgery patients swore off carbs and others thought it was okay...i needed to be told what to do, and there was so much guidance out there that it netted out at nothing in a way, making me feel really lost and on my own. what i arrived at eventually was that the people who swore carbs off generally felt they slowed their weight loss, but also that they were trigger foods and that they were, habitually, too close to what made them fat in the first place. i figured as long as i could monitor that, i should go forth and eat carbs responsibly. why? two reasons really, and maybe they're not that different.

1. i like carbs and wanted to eat them.

2. i fear extremity - i think i am afraid to say "i don't eat carbs" (though i know that's an oversimplification, as vegetables are carbs, etc) because if i say that, then it seems like a gimmick, like something with an inevitable failure date, like a diet that just begs you to cheat.

so while adrienne's directive to know myself and accept it feels good and simple on one hand, there's this other part of me that fights it...i want to be able to be moderate. i don't want to have to say that i don't or can't eat certain things...i want to believe i have enough control over myself to live in the gray area, or that at least i can work towards that as a goal.

then, i continued the discussion with carrie, my therapist. she shed an even different light on it...she said "how could you go through this process and not try pizza? you have to give yourself that experience, so now you did it and you're done." she also shared her own experience about eliminating bread in her own life because it makes her feel better, and it makes her lose weight. it's a choice. it's not that she CAN'T eat bread, it's that she's choosing not to. in some ways, THAT is the moderation...it's knowing that while you COULD eat something, for whatever reasons, you're not going to. 

although i've never experienced a "honeymoon period" in this process the way many people report, i guess in some ways, the honeymoon is over when fear doesn't stop you from eating certain things anymore. at first, i never would have dreamed of eating bread (especially white flour bread!) because i'd be afraid it would make me sick. when you know it won't, that's when the real work comes in. it can't be about fear anymore, now it has to be about strength. 

so for today, my strength is coming in the form of the decision NOT to eat my wheat(ies). and it's an evolution, as all of this is. as my old weight watchers leader said, "i don't know about tomorrow. i'm not there yet." but i have to say, today, it feels kind of awesome to walk by the bread aisle at the grocery store and just know that there's nothing for my there - that's not my aisle. it's freeing not to read every label, hoping to see a magical permutation of numbers that would allow me to have a piece of something...fiber, net carbs, sugars, etc. i just don't eat those things right now. period, the end. and on a side note, i haven't been feeling particularly hungry, i've been having a true sense of fullness almost all the time and i've lost 5 pounds in the last week.

another side note...i love how a trifecta of very strong women - nutritionist, therapist and weight watchers leader - are helping me to navigate these waters. if i were having a bat mitzvah again, i'd definitely be calling them up for a special candle :)

pleasant surprise

having nothing to wear is a good problem to have in this case, but it's a problem nonetheless. most mornings, i put on a few items and then immediately move them to the pile of donations. it's annoying because i feel like i just assessed each item recently and decided to keep it, and then it's too big the next week. like i said, good problem to have, i realize, but it is annoying. i'm down to one pair of jeans (these, which i love) and a bunch of size 14/16 cotton tops which seem to be working okay. although i'm pretty solidly in a size 14/16 on top, the bottom remains a bit of a challenge because i generally carry a lot of weight in my middle area, and i have a lot of loose skin there making matters worse. 

so i was pleasantly surprised when i decided to just try a pair of size 16 pants i got who knows how long ago. they fit! and these are not a lane bryant 16 or an avenue 16, these are a dress barn 16, which means they're not as "generously cut" as true plus size pants. sidebar - dress barn? i think i shopped there exactly once and bought these pants, so go figure (do they have good stuff? should i go there?)

for a while, i've been feeling like no matter how much i lose, i might really need plus size pants for quite a while. i felt that way when i couldn't close the size 18 pants i had hanging, and i felt that way about these 16's too, but now i'm seeing it might not be as slow as i thought. not a bad way to be wrong.

i love new but old clothes, especially when the sizes are moving in the right direction.

skin deep

one of the most common discussions post-weight loss surgery is skin. while skin's ability to "bounce back" largely depends on age and skin elasticity, there are two commonly accepted truths: it's better if you exercise to at least tone what's there, and that if you lose more than 100 lbs, you're going to need the skin removed, or at least you'll want it removed in procedures commonly known in the WLS community as "plastics."

some people with large amounts of loose skin get infections and have health-related issues because of it, though sadly not very many, otherwise maybe insurance would be a better bet for coverage. since my insurance didn't even cover my gastric bypass (but of course they'll cover cancer, diabetes, heart disease and everything else that comes from obesity, but i digress...) i doubt they'll cover what actually IS more cosmetic (i'm sorry, but gastric bypass surgery is NOT cosmetic. okay i'm digressing again).

because i feel comfortable with you, my readers, i'll share what my arms look like right now. it's not pretty and you can even see the volume and looseness through thin shirts and sweaters when i move my arm quickly.

 

but the way i try to see it is that it's better than if there was fat filling the skin. my two biggest problem areas with skin are really my arms and my stomach, very common places. the procedures that would probably be done (once i'm totally done losing weight, have maintained the loss for at least a year and won the lottery) are an abdominoplasty (tummy tuck), a mastopexy (breast lift), and a brachipoplasty (arm lift).

in the picture, i can actually see the contour of a thinner arm on top, which is encouraging, like you could just lop off that whole bottom section and my arm would be great. no amount of toning at the gym (where this picture was taken) will fix what's on the bottom, but that's a worry for a later time.

leftovers

so you know how the moment where i have to stop eating is still hard for me sometimes? i had a little revelation this morning...i was having breakfast - turkey bacon, 2 egg whites and half a piece of american cheese on a slice of multi-grain bread. i ate the turkey bacon first (protein first, always) and then i had a bite or two left of the sandwich. i was full. not too full, just done. normally, i have that feeling where i weighed it, and the whole thing was 5 ounces, so why can't i have it? it's mine. 

this morning that wasn't really the feeling, and i felt like that was progress. i felt happy to feel done after a small, reasonable breakfast...the gift of early satiety that the surgery is best loved for. what i felt, though, was more just anxiety about how i'd account for the piece that was left over...if my breakfast was 248 calories and 23g of protein (which it was), then what do i do about the piece i was leaving over? on weight watchers, i would have just removed a point from the grand total number of points, and although i could figure that maybe 30 calories and 3 grams of protein could be shaved off, then how do i denote that in sparkpeople where i calculate my calories and protein? although the 30 or so saved calories doesn't matter much one way or the other, the protein is important to account for accurately. 

as i write this out, i realize this is probably one of two things, if not both: either a mind game because i'm finding a way to cling to that one other piece, or my own hangup on perfection for perfection's sake. as i finish writing this, i felt hungry again for that last piece. i put it in my mouth, and then i spit it out. i wanted to throw that last piece out...needed to. for principle, for progress, for peace of mind. it's in the garbage. 


just also realized a totally separate thought...i think in this instance, the bread acted as a stopper (which it can do, particularly when not toasted which this wasn't) and i actually think it falsely filled me. maybe bread shouldn't be a part of this meal, and i should just focus on the turkey bacon and egg whites.

changing my mind

part of my problem with food and eating has been scarcity mentality, which leads very obviously to binging. it's the feeling that "i might not always have access to this food so i better eat it now while i do." and that meant whether or not i was hungry, whether or not i wanted to be eating, whether or not i even liked what i was eating. i think in many ways it started as a kid because my mother was always concerned about my weight, so i felt watched...when she'd leave the house, it was time to eat! anything, everything, in large, sickening quantities, and fast because i never knew when she'd be back. sometimes, she'd be back much sooner than i expected to get something she forgot, and then the jig was up. i don't blame her...she was concerned, and with good reason. i know she often looks back and wonders what she did wrong, and although it's easy for everyone to play monday morning quarterback, she did what she thought was right, she did it out of love, and i don't blame her. (you hear that momma?)

but long after my mother was watching what i ate, it was the way i behaved. when i got my license, my main source of joy was not that i could cruise around with friends and be free (which i did, and i was), but that i'd have the shameless ability to get myself food - a lot of it. i could drive to a fast food restaurant and up to the drive-thru, not even having to get out of the car to order. i'd order so much that i'd pretend i was ordering it for a crew of people - pretending to the muffled voice on the other end of the speaker, pretending to myself. and then i'd go to another drive-thru and do the same. you don't get to be almost 400 lbs without habits like that...it's not just a sweet tooth that gets you there.

so even now, even when i can no longer physically binge because i've taken away that option, i have to be mindful of the behaviors that drove my binging, and the thought processes that were behind those behaviors - i had a gastric bypass, not a lobotomy. i have to watch the tendency to graze, which i've come to see as a long, slow binge. i have to watch my tendency to want to eat just for eating's sake, which i thought would fade away but hasn't yet...that moment when i know it's enough, but it's still hard to let go of that one ounce that i know could be mine...and i have to be mindful of my mind's ability to play tricks on me...that a whole bag of popcorn could be only 3 or 4 ounces, which i'm allowed to eat, volume-wise, but that that doesn't mean that i should eat the whole bag of popcorn, behavior-wise.

a lot of times, the old behavior comes from a good place, from wanting to do the right thing. it has always come from a good place - it was to make myself happy, comfortable and soothed. if we had a way to give that to ourselves or anyone else we loved, wouldn't we want to? it's the kind of love that hurts on the back-end.

here's an example of today's good intentions leading to yesterday's behavior... i want desperately to be off of artificial sweeteners, but i can't have sugar and i want to be able to eat sweet things once in a while. last week on my lovely farmers market outing, i discovered a fresh apple muffin that had no sugar ... it was sweetened only with apples and had oats and whole wheat flour, and was utterly delicious. upon realizing how much i liked it, and how it could totally replace junky snacks like this and this, my immediate thought was "so i should stock up on these every wednesday at the farmers market." 

as i thought through the plan, i realized quickly that part of what was so good about the muffin was that it was really soft and fresh, and that by the next day when i went to have the other half, it had already lost that, so two days or three days after buying it would be even less fresh...of course i explored that i could freeze them, refrigerate them, etc. but then it hit me - i should buy one on wednesday and have half of it and then save the other half in the fridge or freezer or give it to someone else to enjoy. and that's it. i don't have to eat it EVERY day. i don't have to STOCK UP. it can be something i have once in a while. and i can get to a place where my mind can change, and where that type of scarcity will be okay with me.

food for the soul

as i learn more and more about organic food and farming and our country's industrial food system, i become more and more impassioned about eating whole, healthy, natural foods, and so shopping at a farmers market, which was always appealing and feel-good to me, has become nourishing in a totally different and ever-evolving way. i feel like moving to the country and living and working in a way that honors the sun and the soil and the water and animals and plants and farm workers as well as the consumers and the society that supports it. but alas, there are billions of words written on those exact thoughts and feelings, and in some ways i take comfort in knowing there's a certain universality to those values and feelings. the best i can do is to live my non-country life in a way that honors those values, and so i've begun to do that in the very large majority of the way i shop and eat - farmers markets, whole foods, trader joe's, organic when possible, fresh and local almost always. see my ode to tomatoes from yesterday, which were in utter explosion mode at the farmers market today. of course there are a few straggling processed foods i still support - sweet and low (my main source of guilt and shame in life), sugar free foods, protein shakes and bars, etc. 

ANYWAY...i had an almost out-of-body happiness this morning at the farmers market near my office as i inhaled the sights, sounds and scents of a bustling market filled with gorgeous, fresh produce and dairy, the people who grow and pick and transport them, and a disparate collection of people who value the whole cycle. i was walking around smiling strangely, perusing all the items and deciding what i'd buy and from which stand. 

one of the things that's really lovely about having a very small stomach is that i don't need much food (sounds funny, doesn't it?), so i can buy really high quality foods in small quantities. this works out emotionally too, because i feel really good about buying the best food i can afford. one of the strange points made in one of the documentaries i've been watching (i think it was this one, though it could have been this one too, both of which should be on your queue immediately) is that americans spend much less on our food than other countries...which is sort of ridiculous since it's what we're putting in our bodies, and we only get one body. 

 

so i spent $12, and i got a real abundance of things to use over the next several days. i tried to buy some a little less ripe after confirming with the seller that they would ripen on the countertop...this way, i don't feel produce pressure immediately and can use them in waves, though all in the next couple days so i don't defeat the purpose of buying fresh and local. i got 2 beautiful green peppers and a white pepper (first time i've seen those!) which are supposed to be sweet, like red and yellow ones. i also got a bunch of radishes to dice up into salads, inspired by the healthy 8 from trader joe's. then i got a 1/4 pound of salad mix which i'm going to try adding to my lettuce-less shrimp and chicken salads, 2 teeny tiny plums, 2 donut peaches, an apple, a container of amazing looking cherry tomatoes in many colors, and a no sugar apple muffin...sweetened not with chemicals or sugar, but with apples and a touch of organic agave nectar. if it's good, and if i feel okay after eating a piece of it, it could be a great alternative to junky sugar free snacks that make me feel guilty (and sometimes gassy) because they're made of things that are not, or should not be, food.

the thing that made me smile the most was the sight of little babies, sleeping in strollers being walked around the farmers market. they're too young to make their own choices obviously, but the people making their choices for them seem to be doing it thoughtfully just by being at the market and not at the bodega or the grocery store around the corner, and they're doing something wonderful by bringing them there...even if they're sleeping, even if it's years before they know what arugula is or how to pronounce radicchio. it means something, even at their early age, to be there and be involved in the process. if you like this idea, read this inspiring interview. 


i'm hopeful that values about how and what we eat can sink in through a form of childhood osmosis, because it's something i really want to pass on to my own eventual children one day. the thing that leaves me wondering is why it didn't happen earlier on for me, someone who was lucky enough to have healthy-living parents with a sense of moderation and balance, who always worked hard at their own fitness and bodies...they did everything right in that regard. wow, that just became a downer. nah, not really a downer...it's all an evolution and i'm happy to be where i am, today.

bad medicine

the other day, a friend needed a recommendation for an orthopedist in the city and fast. i told him that i had one, but that he was a jerk on a personal level. he said he didn't care about that, and then he asked for the story and here it is:

about a year ago, i was having problems with my right hip which was just constantly hurting. as i often did, i assumed it was weight-related and figured it would get better when i lost weight so why seek medical attention? don't worry, this doesn't end badly, it really was weight related and nothing horrifying, but eventually the pain got bad enough that i figured i needed some relief and scheduled an appointment with an orthopedist i'd seen before. he took x-rays and determined that it was a little arthritis and prescribed an anti-inflammatory. because i was so used to doctors telling me i needed to lose weight, and because i was already scheduled for my surgery and armed with a plan, i felt the need to tell him right away that i knew it was probably weight-related and that i was going to be having the surgery, etc. i was so used to being on the defense in medical situations that i was happy to, for once, have a confident plan to lead the conversation with rather than “well i rejoined weight watchers and…” but in spite of my confident plan, this doctor managed to stun and shame me anyway. he was unmoved by my announcement of the surgery and my looking forward to it and instead pursued his own line of questioning.

doctor: so how long have you been this size?

me: well i've been in this general area for many years...since college i guess, but heavy in high school too.

doctor: wow.

me: yeah, so the surgery really feels like the right choice for me.

doctor: so what do you, just eat a lot?

me: um, yeah i guess. but its a little more complicated than that…
 

doctor: i mean, i can understand sometimes you just want to keep eating and (makes piggish noises and a shoveling motion with his hands to his mouth) but i mean, you have to just stop yourself.

me: (almost speechless) yeah i mean, like i said it's not as simple as what you're saying. i mean, i've done lots of reading and i'm in therapy and it’s a disorder even though many people don’t understand that, and --

doctor: okay well good seeing you. good luck, i'll see you again after you've finished the anti-inflammatory. take care.

when i told mitchell this story, he was infuriated and shocked, but i sadly wasn’t. i was used to this kind of treatment from doctors and other people alike, though admittedly, this time did seem particularly brutal. the truth is that many studies show that obese people receive the absolute worst medical care for two reasons – first, because doctors often blanketly assume that ailments are weight related (as do obese patients). though they often are, or certainly are exacerbated by weight, it sometimes causes patients and doctors alike to ignore symptoms that should be further explored because they’ve assumed the obvious, visible answer. and secondly, because some doctors, like some laypeople, are repulsed by obesity and see obese patients as lazy, lacking self-control and piggish. how can you care for someone in a respectful, responsible way when that’s what you think of them?

and the obvious other factor is that when people are treated this way and shamed by their doctors, it takes an awful lot to push through those feelings and drag yourself there when something hurts, especially when it’s something you know your weight affects. i didn't go back to the doctor after i finished my prescription. and my friend who didn't care that he was a jerk went and saw him and thought he was a jerk. shocker.

mama got some new threads

as i've lost weight, i've bought just a few items here and there as my own wardrobe has dwindled, trying my best to have as much tailored as was worth it. in the process, i've gotten so much pleasure out of donating my clothes - many of them in excellent condition and of high quality - to women in need, especially with the understanding that plus size clothes are often the most in demand in low income households for reasons pretty easy to understand - specialty stores are generally less accessible, hand-me-downs don't often work when the receiver is a size 30 or 32 like i was. so it brings me a lot of happiness to distribute those items around. sidenote...i have a friend who works for the city, and right before thanksgiving a few years ago, she called me very sensitively asking for clothes for a woman who was fleeing an abusive situation. i was the only person my friend knew whose clothes might fit this woman. for one of the only moments in my life, i felt blessed to be the size i was that day, if only to be able to help that woman.

but i digress...bottom line, i needed some new clothes. i'm so loathe to spend money on things right now, knowing that very quickly they'll be too big, and too big means unflattering i'm quickly learning. at this point, things that are maybe a tad small are actually more flattering than things that are a tad too big, perhaps because they show my smaller size more accurately than anything drapey or droopy does. but mitchell encouraged me to pick up a few items wisely, with coupons, on sale if need be, but to do it. i forced myself to, figuring i've been working very hard and deserve to feel good in what i'm wearing. i bought all but one item in a 14/16 (WHAT???) and it occurred to me that this might be one of my final trips to my trusty avenue that's been so convenient, right around the corner from my office all these years. good problem to have. where will i go now? i still feel like if i were to walk into the gap or a similarly "normal" store, the staff would be thinking "oh no, honey, we don't carry your size..."

here's what i got:

  

this top in both a deep navy and black, neither of which is shown online,  

this tee in black to wear under cardigans, jackets, etc. the sleeves are far too short to wear alone, but it was under $5 on clearance and i'll basically just treat it like a tank. also,

this cardigan in black which i really love. it was the only thing i got in an 18/20 because i liked the way it looked. i think i'm going to have my tailor add a little hook and eye closure to the front to make it more fitted, but the 14/16 didn't look as generous or as pretty on.

then i got this cardigan too, also in black, because it's a very different style than the other, and i truly feel like having two very different, lightweight black cardigans will make my wardrobe life a million times better right now.

today is a good day, and i have reason tomorrow will be too, since i won't have to argue with a closet full of ill-fitting, too bulky or not-quite-the-right-size garments.