i really thought the hardest part was over since i felt so much better today. but the cravings are getting stronger and about ten minutes ago i found myself wondering if i was going to be able to survive this period - the lead-up to the surgery.
mitchell, himself feeling weak right now, did the exact wrong thing by asking if i thought having one meal tonight would help me to be able to move past the cravings, so of course that sent my mind spinning into a world it doesn't belong right now...sushi, pizza, chinese food. just the thought of even "just one meal" makes me angry at myself - how could i do that? although it kind of sucks, right now what would stop me is the idea that when people ask me how it's going, i'd have to lie if i said I've been on liquids since wednesday. very similar to when i quit smoking, the thought that if i went back, even for one, i would lose all the days of being smoke-free that i was so proud of.
i think the thing killing me about this horrible challenge mitchell unwittingly posed is that technically, it would be okay because tomorrow marks the two week mark, which is the official date by which I need to be on all liquids. but for me, that date was a week ago tomorrow because that's what Dr. B told me to do. so technically nothing. i have to rise above this. this is the moment i have to make it happen. i need to go into the surgery knowing in my soul that i did everything I was supposed to do.
what would ordering pizza get me tonight? reflux, a headache at 4 AM and a sinking feeling that i am not who i think i am. it's over, this nonsense. i'm not losing to that voice.
mitchell, himself feeling weak right now, did the exact wrong thing by asking if i thought having one meal tonight would help me to be able to move past the cravings, so of course that sent my mind spinning into a world it doesn't belong right now...sushi, pizza, chinese food. just the thought of even "just one meal" makes me angry at myself - how could i do that? although it kind of sucks, right now what would stop me is the idea that when people ask me how it's going, i'd have to lie if i said I've been on liquids since wednesday. very similar to when i quit smoking, the thought that if i went back, even for one, i would lose all the days of being smoke-free that i was so proud of.
i think the thing killing me about this horrible challenge mitchell unwittingly posed is that technically, it would be okay because tomorrow marks the two week mark, which is the official date by which I need to be on all liquids. but for me, that date was a week ago tomorrow because that's what Dr. B told me to do. so technically nothing. i have to rise above this. this is the moment i have to make it happen. i need to go into the surgery knowing in my soul that i did everything I was supposed to do.
what would ordering pizza get me tonight? reflux, a headache at 4 AM and a sinking feeling that i am not who i think i am. it's over, this nonsense. i'm not losing to that voice.
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