i think the reason its been so hard - or one of the reasons - is that i've started to make eating a more central part of my daily life again by making vegetable soup for dinner, rather than just the shakes and some carrots or jello if i'm hungry. and i think eating the soup and more than eating it, knowing it's there and looking forward to it, it's making it worse.
iisolated at least one feeling this evening. anger. and there's no one to be angry at so it becomes anger towards myself, and although i don't readily feel that way, it didn't take long to arrive at why i might be - i think i'm angry, on some level, that i allowed myself to get into a situation where i have so few options. when my cravings and sadness was at a peak today as I got off the train, i found myself looking around at everyone and felt so jealous that they don't have to do what i have to do.
today was a hard day. day six, three days after the point where its supposed to get easier. actually, i wasn't hungry at all until today. although i was tired and sort of low energy all along, i was remarkably not hungry, and i was sort of wondering if i was getting off easy. then today came and i started off the day with a protein drink instead of a protein shake, and it made me not feel well and i didn't finish it and from then on i felt sick and hungry. i feel satisfied again now, after lots of vegetables and another protein shake, but the horrible, empty feelings came back like an old frenemy. all i could think about was food and i felt sad and scared that i would never have it the way i wanted it again. how depressing. then i cried hysterically in the car when mitchell picked me up and i think i feel a little better right now. looking forward to bed, and hoping that i don't feel scared and alone in the middle of the night.
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