(don't) eat your wheat(ies)

alright, so last week, with the help of my nutritionist adrienne, i decided to eliminate the following from my diet: yeast, wheat, gluten, flour. seems extreme, i know. 

over the last several months, i'd started to experiment with whole grain breads. then as i got more comfortable with trying them (even outside my own home!), i moved to whole wheat breads occasionally, when whole grain wasn't available. i found a "no white" bagel and test drove that. and i can not tell a lie... there were a few stray times when i tried white bread. like, challah roll on the table at the diner bread. you can see where this is going... i also tried pizza. true, there was also the whole wheat pizza from skinny pizza, a wonderful improvement to takeout, for sure. but here's the problem. every time i drove by that wonderful improvement, i wanted pizza. not so wonderful.

i noticed a similar phenomenon when i flew down to florida to be with my mother in law for a procedure she was having (she's fine). in the amazing terminal 5 at jfk, i needed to pick something up to bring on the plane. (no blue potato chips for this girl). i chose a hearty looking turkey sandwich on multi-grain bread. i ate it in three different sittings, and it was highly satisfying and delicious each time. i felt like i had hit the jackpot - here i was, sitting on plane in ONE seat, between strangers, armrests down, tray table down, out of my mind on xanax...okay, i digress...but the point was, i was being a NORMAL person, eating a sandwich and wrapping up the rest for later. who IS this person?

this person is ME. the same one who weighed almost 400 pounds a year ago. because the problem is that that night when it was time for dinner, i ordered another turkey sandwich, this time on whole wheat bread, and i ate the whole thing. did it weigh more than 6 ounces? probably not. but the fact of eating an entire turkey sandwich in one sitting scared me. when i woke up the next day, all i wanted was bread. it's that thing about carbs...we learn and relearn the same lessons over and over, don't we?

at the airport coming home, waiting for my delayed flight in the rain, anxious and tired, i ordered tortilla chips and spinach dip as my dinner. BAD SCENE. i knew right then, with every delicious bite, that i had gone down a bad road;  i had been on a bad jag and that it needed to end. almost the way you might look at confession, i saw adrienne and i told her everything. and here's what she said. she said "this is a whole banquet room you don't need to go into, you just don't need to go there. this is a dark and dangerous road." she also said "if you know something about yourself, just accept it."

that struck me. on one hand, i think she's so right. i agonized for the first couple post-op months trying to understand why some weight loss surgery patients swore off carbs and others thought it was okay...i needed to be told what to do, and there was so much guidance out there that it netted out at nothing in a way, making me feel really lost and on my own. what i arrived at eventually was that the people who swore carbs off generally felt they slowed their weight loss, but also that they were trigger foods and that they were, habitually, too close to what made them fat in the first place. i figured as long as i could monitor that, i should go forth and eat carbs responsibly. why? two reasons really, and maybe they're not that different.

1. i like carbs and wanted to eat them.

2. i fear extremity - i think i am afraid to say "i don't eat carbs" (though i know that's an oversimplification, as vegetables are carbs, etc) because if i say that, then it seems like a gimmick, like something with an inevitable failure date, like a diet that just begs you to cheat.

so while adrienne's directive to know myself and accept it feels good and simple on one hand, there's this other part of me that fights it...i want to be able to be moderate. i don't want to have to say that i don't or can't eat certain things...i want to believe i have enough control over myself to live in the gray area, or that at least i can work towards that as a goal.

then, i continued the discussion with carrie, my therapist. she shed an even different light on it...she said "how could you go through this process and not try pizza? you have to give yourself that experience, so now you did it and you're done." she also shared her own experience about eliminating bread in her own life because it makes her feel better, and it makes her lose weight. it's a choice. it's not that she CAN'T eat bread, it's that she's choosing not to. in some ways, THAT is the moderation...it's knowing that while you COULD eat something, for whatever reasons, you're not going to. 

although i've never experienced a "honeymoon period" in this process the way many people report, i guess in some ways, the honeymoon is over when fear doesn't stop you from eating certain things anymore. at first, i never would have dreamed of eating bread (especially white flour bread!) because i'd be afraid it would make me sick. when you know it won't, that's when the real work comes in. it can't be about fear anymore, now it has to be about strength. 

so for today, my strength is coming in the form of the decision NOT to eat my wheat(ies). and it's an evolution, as all of this is. as my old weight watchers leader said, "i don't know about tomorrow. i'm not there yet." but i have to say, today, it feels kind of awesome to walk by the bread aisle at the grocery store and just know that there's nothing for my there - that's not my aisle. it's freeing not to read every label, hoping to see a magical permutation of numbers that would allow me to have a piece of something...fiber, net carbs, sugars, etc. i just don't eat those things right now. period, the end. and on a side note, i haven't been feeling particularly hungry, i've been having a true sense of fullness almost all the time and i've lost 5 pounds in the last week.

another side note...i love how a trifecta of very strong women - nutritionist, therapist and weight watchers leader - are helping me to navigate these waters. if i were having a bat mitzvah again, i'd definitely be calling them up for a special candle :)

leftovers

so you know how the moment where i have to stop eating is still hard for me sometimes? i had a little revelation this morning...i was having breakfast - turkey bacon, 2 egg whites and half a piece of american cheese on a slice of multi-grain bread. i ate the turkey bacon first (protein first, always) and then i had a bite or two left of the sandwich. i was full. not too full, just done. normally, i have that feeling where i weighed it, and the whole thing was 5 ounces, so why can't i have it? it's mine. 

this morning that wasn't really the feeling, and i felt like that was progress. i felt happy to feel done after a small, reasonable breakfast...the gift of early satiety that the surgery is best loved for. what i felt, though, was more just anxiety about how i'd account for the piece that was left over...if my breakfast was 248 calories and 23g of protein (which it was), then what do i do about the piece i was leaving over? on weight watchers, i would have just removed a point from the grand total number of points, and although i could figure that maybe 30 calories and 3 grams of protein could be shaved off, then how do i denote that in sparkpeople where i calculate my calories and protein? although the 30 or so saved calories doesn't matter much one way or the other, the protein is important to account for accurately. 

as i write this out, i realize this is probably one of two things, if not both: either a mind game because i'm finding a way to cling to that one other piece, or my own hangup on perfection for perfection's sake. as i finish writing this, i felt hungry again for that last piece. i put it in my mouth, and then i spit it out. i wanted to throw that last piece out...needed to. for principle, for progress, for peace of mind. it's in the garbage. 


just also realized a totally separate thought...i think in this instance, the bread acted as a stopper (which it can do, particularly when not toasted which this wasn't) and i actually think it falsely filled me. maybe bread shouldn't be a part of this meal, and i should just focus on the turkey bacon and egg whites.

the weigh it is

i always remember in weight watchers people saying how important it was to weigh and measure all the time for a few reasons...even when eating at home, eating the same bowl of cereal or cottage cheese or whatever every day, that portion can grow from day to day if you're not keeping it in check by measuring it regularly. i remember my leader suggesting that even if it wasn't practical to weigh every meal and snack every day, to be sure and measure each of your staples at least once a week to keep the visual fresh in your mind of what an ounce or a cup looks and feels like. the other great reason for measuring when at home is that it makes you that much better at estimating when you're not at home.when weight watchers worked for me (and it did work for me), i was very diligent about weighing and measuring and just submitted to it as a way of life.

for me, even though it's not as much about the calories at this point as someone on a "diet," per se, it's just as important to weigh and measure. although my stomach's small size will stop me from eating too much in one sitting in any significant way, it would not stop me from eating an ounce or two or even three over the 4-6 ounces i'm supposed to stick to, especially if it's a food that goes down easier which tend to be the highest calorie and fat foods, lucky me. if i eat more than 4-6 ounces in one sitting often, and certainly with any kind of regularity, my pouch will stretch and small amounts of food will no longer fill me -- pouch stretchage is one of the main reasons for weight regain in WLS patients. so my solution is to weigh whenever i can - i have a scale at home, and i'm not afraid to admit i have one at work too. 

today's lunch* weighed in at exactly 6 ounces, which tells me i was probably a little on the hungry side when i was preparing it. the bowl felt heavy to me, and i was a little nervous to weigh it. why? because if it were over 6 ounces, i would have had to put some back, and that moment is still amazingly hard for me. it's MINE and i don't like when it's taken away. i pay close attention how i'm feeling anytime i eat and force myself to stop if i'm feeling full, but i am particularly mindful of that potential when i'm eating an amount that's at the top of my range, like today. today's lunch felt perfectly filling, and i think incidentally, the warmth was a nice touch. LOL. i find that different temperature foods make my pouch and my satiety levels feel different, and these past few days, hot food has been working.

*the strangely unappetizing looking meal you see here was actually quite delicious and was as follows: 2 trader joe's turkey meatballs, about 1/3 cup quinoa with roasted vegetables and 2 tbsp shredded parmesan cheese, all melted together.

do i stay or do i go

not sure about weight watchers for me right now. when i first decided to go ahead with the surgery, one of my biggest pains and fears was that i might have to let go of weight watchers, which had become such a constant in my life. i was so relieved to know i could stay if i wanted to, and that my leader patty, always a source of strength and inspiration, would welcome my presence there even though i was going a different route.

i went to my regular meeting today for the first time in a couple months. between the liquid diet and pre-op appointments, then the surgery and recovery and some family obligations, i hadn't been back. although it was nice to be back and see familiar faces and soak in all the support, i'm not sure if it's the right place for me anymore. i'm not sure if my head is in a place that's similar to anyone there anymore. i wish the bariatric support group met more often, and although my original thinking was that maybe the weight watchers weekly meeting could fill in, i'm not so sure.

circle of trust

tonight, i attended my first support group meeting at the office of the surgeon who will be doing my gastric bypass surgery. i was surprisingly quiet in the room, highly unusual for me. it was nice to be sitting in a circle of people (literally, the chairs were arranged in a circle) who were all in the same boat, not a common occurence for me in the rest of the world. it was nice to not feel like anyone was looking at me for my size, and the chairs in their office are generously sized...comfortable. i suppose that's no coincidence.

it's amazing to think that one day, chair size might not be an issue for me at all, nor will other peoples' stares. i have only the vaguest of memories of that life when i lost 130 pounds on weight watchers and weighed 197...for about five minutes.

it was interesting the way i felt tonight - on one hand, i was very comfortable and felt totally accepted. on the other hand, many of the people in the room had already had their surgeries, so i was a little on the outside. as opposed to my weight watchers meeting where i feel totally on the inside, but not fully understood, since at 370 pounds, my weight problem is different than most of the people there.

i think this support group will provide a cushion for me when i inevitably have to say goodbye to weight watchers. i'm happy i'll still have a circle to be a part of.