long time no write

i've been totally absent from writing on this blog because i've been having a really hard time. it's not that i don't want to face the struggles i'm dealing with in the way that writing about them would make me face it - it's more that i am dealing with them so intensely every day that the last thing i want to do is write about them. i'd much rather be writing about gift wrap and little trees of rosemary. i do know the common wisdom that the days you feel least like doing something (exercise, therapy, meditation) are the days you need them the most, so i'm willing to try that approach.

i'm struggling mainly because i'm feeling hungry a lot, and even when i'm not hungry, i'm having trouble with not eating the rest of what's on my plate. i know i've talked about the challenge i face when i'm physically satisfied but there's still more food i'm "allowed" to have...and that's still a daily struggle. i feel like i could stop eating and be satisfied physically, but i don't want to stop eating. and i feel like at the heart of that is a key to so much of this for me - why don't i feel thrilled that 4 ounces of food fills me and feel overjoyed at the idea of leaving the extra 2 ounces on the plate? why do i feel compelled to eat that other 2 ounces? i still don't understand that. i think it's because of what i realized a while ago - that it's not as much about the food for me as it is about the eating...i enjoy the sensation and the comfort of eating and it almost doesn't matter what i'm eating sometimes. and i guess i still -- even with a stomach the size of a walnut -- don't want that feeling of eating, of comfort, of happiness to end. additionally, i feel like while i might get full quickly, i don't seem to stay full. i think that has to do maybe with my speed in eating, which i know should be slower, and that seems to be a challenge too. and i think it all comes back to the same things probably...i think i need to really work on reminding myself that i'll be eating again in another couple hours, and that i can leave food on my plate and come back to it later if i'm hungry, because i think part of eating it all is this primal urge towards scarcity - what if it's not there when i need it? now's my chance...and i think a lot of that probably originated as a kid when i was closet eating. but i'm not a kid anymore, and as my therapist carrie has said, it's time for grown-up carla to change that. 

what the eating problem leads to is the calorie problem. i have myself trying not to exceed 12oo calories a day and i don't know if maybe that's not enough and that's why i find myself going over every day or if it's just that i'm having trouble controlling it...nothing new there. i've started to experiment with raising my intake to around 1400 and see how that goes. maybe if i feel less restricted, i'll feel more in control. to make sure that wasn't too many calories, i checked my basal metabolic rate which is the number of calories one needs to maintain their weight...mine is 1784, so theoretically, anything beneath that amount would be a loss. my nutritionist would say that i should keep that as low as possible to maximize my weight loss, but i'm going to see how 1400 feels.

i'm also struggling with exercise, which is nothing new. at carrie's suggestion, i tried a spin class last weekend. it was so hard, but i promised i'd try and i promised myself i would stay through the whole class. you know how a lot of people have this competitive thing with themselves that they would never let themselves not finish a class, or back out of a planned exercise session, or get off the treadmill after only ten minutes? i'm not one of those people. but i figured as carrie and i talked that i'd be slightly less likely to walk out a well-populated class with a yelling instructor than i would be to just step off the treadmill on my own. so...my butt and crotch hurt for days, and if i had a dollar for every time i thought about walking out, it would have paid my gym membership for the month. but i didn't walk out, and i felt pretty amazing about that. i haven't gone back for another class yet, but i went for a long and intense walk the next day, and i bought a padded seat for the bike so i can go again on saturday and have it hurt less. my goal is to have several different things to do exercise-wise during each week, and this can be one of them. because i did two intense days over the weekend, i didn't feel the crippling guilt this week that i've been feeling, and that's been a step up, but i know i need to still add more days.