for now but not forever

good morning readers. i wanted to let you know that i'm going to be taking a break from writing this blog for a while. in some ways, this is hard to do that because it has acted as a certain kind of outlet for me and i've gotten such kind and enthusiastic feedback from so many of you. as many of you know, i also had an article published in glamour magazine about this journey and i've also gotten amazing emails and letters from that. it means so much to me that any of my words or experiences make even a single moment easier or more bearable or valuable for anyone, and i maintain that it hasn't been my experience that's been different than anyone else's, it's just my willingness to share it openly and honestly. i feel proud for having done that, and i take to heart the bravery that it has taken which so many people have acknowledged. what i need to do now, though, takes more bravery than writing about it, and that's to stop writing about it, at least on a regular basis, in this format. 

what i've realized is that in my effort to document all that i've been feeling and thinking and experiencing, i've started to keep my feelings at arm's length by packaging and wordsmithing them for the world to consume. an article or a full piece once in a while about something i’ve had time to reflect on is one thing, and i’ll still do that from time to time. but in terms of the format of a daily or weekly blog, i've started to notice that unless i'm processing a feeling that will end up in a post i'm writing, i'm not processing it at all. i've used writing to be an onlooker to what i'm feeling and to explain away and tie up neatly every feeling i have - and they don't all tie up neatly. in some ways, the same separation food used to grant me from my feelings, writing about them has started to do the same. at some point along the way, my writing here stopped being a journal for me and started being a blog for other people, and i'm not ready to stop being about me yet. what i started to notice was that if the feeling or struggle i was having was too intense or too private to share, not only would i not share it, but i wouldn't even allow myself to experience it, because i would feel guilty and wrong not sharing a feeling i was having.  i'm quite certain that when a tree falls in the forest, it makes a sound whether or not people are there to hear it, and i've been acting like it only matters when it falls on others' ears - not on purpose, not as a cop-out, but more because i think the strength i got from other people helped to put me on this path, and now it's time to take off the training wheels. 

so yes, i think it's time for me to do this on my own for a little while, of course with the support of my family, my husband, my therapist and the rest of my team, but alone in the sense that i'm not putting it all out there to be received by the whole world. i think the feelings of exposure and rawness aren't helping me right now, and i need to help me.

i want to thank you for all your support and readership, and this isn't goodbye forever, just for now. i'll still be writing here, and please keep sending me your emails - i love all the tips and pep talks and the intimate and touching stories you've shared, and i'm happy to share mine back - i just need to do it in a more private, one-on-one way now. one-on-one with you, and with me.

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