liquid courage

i decided to go on a liquid protein plan for three days - today, tomorrow and wednesday. i'm doing the same thing i did for the three weeks leading up to my surgery - pure protein shakes which will provide me with plenty of protein that i'm not getting from food. after the three days, i'll reassess...i'm thinking it's possible i might decide to stick with them at night for a little longer since night eating is proving to be one of my biggest challenges.

i'm doing this because i want to tighten up my pouch and the sensation of fullness i get from it. also to jump start weight loss which has been slllooooooow for months for all the reasons detailed here and also, and perhaps most importantly, because i feel like i need a mental cleanse. i've been feeling the same way that i did a few days before my liquid phase started pre-surgery - like i just need a reprieve from thinking about food. that's the part (one of the many) that doesn't go away with the surgery. it's a gastric bypass, not a lobotomy.

i'm sure i'll be hungry and though i hope i won't find myself bargaining and negotiating, i'm sure there's a grave possibility of that too. but i'm doing it. i'll keep you posted.

bottoms up, part two

so remember how i totally handled my liquor the first few times i tried drinking again? yeah, not so much one night a couple weeks ago when out for a work function. luckily, i don't think i was inappropriate (i don't think...), but i felt like death on a stick the next day. i think i probably had about three or four drinks over the course of the night (note the word probably, as i actually have no idea), and i have to be clear and say that the probably three or four drinks i had were over the course of probably 6 or 7 hours...i don't want you to think me totally irresponsible. anyway, i ended up at penn station close to midnight eating a piece of pizza. so yeah. looking back, there were a few problems: 

first, i hardly ate at dinner because our dinner had been pre-ordered and it was pizza.  i didn't eat it because i don't eat things like that anymore (yes, i do note the irony given a few sentences ago....) by the time i realized that the various pizzas on our table were in fact dinner and not an appetizer, there wasn't much time to order and they weren't very protein friendly. i ended up with a few bites of a very wilty green salad, and that was that. i wasn't hungry, i was perfectly comfortable. and buzzed. and having a great time. that was the other problem...

i was having so much fun! i didn't want it to end, so i kept drinking. very simple, really. and in many ways, that's been my problem with food too. i like it, it tastes good, it feels good, give me more. of course over the years as my wires have gotten crossed, it's gotten more complicated and more nuanced than that, but the bare bones of it are there.

when i was calling home checking in, mitchell was nervous. he could hear that i was more than just tipsy, and he was worried. i assured him that i was fine (i was!) and that i was just having fun. i got home fine, threw up a little (sorry) and then woke up a few hours later certain that i would never again feel normal.

i haven't had a drink since then, but what i do notice is that i've been so hungry (i did get my period also, so there's that too) and i've been craving carbs since then. THANKS PIZZA. it's kind of ridic how that works. it was ONE NIGHT. and yet, the carb bug has infected my brain again. and i don't mean brown rice and flax and quinoa, the grains and carbs i do eat. let me put it this way...the next day, once i felt somewhat human again, all i wanted in the world was a bologna hero. imagine that. 

NO I DID NOT EAT A BOLOGNA HERO. but i wanted to.

bottoms up

so i was cleared to try alcohol in advance of my sister's wedding last weekend. it's supposed to be a year from the surgery, but i asked for special dispensation about three weeks shy of the one year mark. dr. b and sophie (his PA) granted me permission, warning me to go slow and that i would get drunk fast. they suggested one drink. partly, it's because gastric bypass patients tend to have a lower tolerance for alcohol post-surgically. that's partially because we absorb ethanol at a faster rate because the tiny stomach dumps the alcohol directly into the jejunum which has a large surface and absorbs the alcohol quickly. also,  we a) weigh less and b)haven't had a drink in sooo long.

drinking presents challenges - no sugar, no carbonation. so there goes wine and champagne, my two drinks of choice before (really only sad to see champagne go...). so vodka seemed the answer. can't mix it with tonic or soda, or juice...diet snapple it is. so last wednesday night, i tried a half of a shot of vodka mixed with some diet snapple. i definitely got that initial taste of tipsiness on the fast side, but it didn't escalate quickly at all. i felt fine. and it was fun!

so for the festivities surrounding molly's wedding, i sipped vodka. i didn't have diet snapple handy, so i mixed it with a little crystal light and water one night (that was good!) and with water and fresh lemon juice the rest of the time. i actually think it's probably a good thing to mix it with water and lemon juice because it sort of goes down slower than something that tastes like candy. 

mitchell was a little nervous and watching what i drank pretty carefully, but overall, i enjoyed having a couple drinks, and i look forward to doing it again on appropriate occasions :) 

i didn't feel like i got particularly drunk, and it didn't make me want to eat a lot or the wrong things, which i'm very pleased about. i will be very sure, though, to manage my drinking habits...i am well aware that so many weight loss surgery patients experience cross - addiction and addiction transfer, and i have to be mindful about my susceptibility to that. if i find myself looking forward to a drink in the middle of the day, i have to be committed to getting off that train.

i also have to manage my tendency from long ago to want more and more of what's making me feel good (as in: pizza, lo mein, sandwiches, cigarettes, coffee, alcohol...can't i feel that way about the gym?) i need to get used to enjoying the feeling of being a little buzzed and not wanting to feed it with more alcohol that will make me uncomfortably, and perhaps dangerously, intoxicated. i guess i'll be working on it at the same time as i get used to tasting a little bit of something and having that be enough. they're more than a little connected.

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smooth(ie) sailing

 

i made my first protein shake this morning...first ever, actually. of course i've tried the dreaded protein supplements with water in the weeks leading up to the surgery when i was on all liquids, but i quickly got wise and switched to the ready to drink pure protein shakes which are reasonably priced (they're cheapest at trader joe's, of course), reasonably good and totally easy.

since i've incorporated food back in (after about a month post-op) i've often not quite understood why so many post-op patients still use the protein shakes. it's kind of made me worry at times why everyone but me seems to feel the need, while i was perfectly happy (and have little trouble) eating my protein in the form of lean meats and fish. everyone would always say it's a great way to get your protein in, and that highlighted my own insecurities about the process - should i not be able to eat 80-100 grams of protein a day (some docs say 60-80, mine says 80-100 especially if you're working out)...is it weird that i can eat, and that i still like to? well, that's a topic for a whole other post, and i'll get to that...BUT i am finally starting to understand why protein shakes make sense at certain times. here's why:

even though i physically can eat dense protein (chicken, turkey, fish) with every meal and mostly do, sometimes i'm not in the mood. sometimes i want a salad without chicken in it for lunch, or just a pickle or some sliced cucumbers for a snack, but i haven't allowed myself to choose things like that because in order to get to my protein goals, i need to eat it with every bite i take. by incorporating a large dose of protein in another way (shake), i can have a salad for lunch, and any protein i have with it is a bonus. this is also really good because it means that i can have a very low calorie lunch or snack, which helps in my overall pursuit to stay around 1,000 calories a day. that's also a topic for a whole other post, because with the right (read: wrong) food choices, i could easily still be eating close to 2,000 calories a day. it's all a choice and the surgery is just a tool. okay, adding that to my list of topics to write about soon.

so back to the protein shake (longest protein shake story ever)....i want feedback and advice if you want to share it! here's what i made this morning:

1 cup skim plus

1 scoop pure protein powder

1/2 cup frozen peach slices

3 ice cubes

1/2 tsp almond extract

1/2 packet sweet & low

it was pretty good! not amazing, but totally drinkable and kind of delicious on some sips. i definitely like the almond extract and might add some vanilla as well, and perhaps some cinnamon. i think that would go well with the peaches, because i remember this recipe from a few summers ago.

i'm a little upset about the half packet of sweet and low...i'm trying to get off all artificial sweeteners (sweet and low in coffee is the one i can't kick) but it really needed it. i have to find some way around that and since i can't use sugar or honey, my options are limited. i am thinking of trying both agave and stevia...any suggestions?

i think i also might try this coconut milk "beverage" in place of the skim plus ... why? well, because with the help of this coupon site, i'm getting 2 cartons for free! also because a cup of it is less than half the calories of skim and because it's generally nutritious. it's also non-dairy, organic, non-GMO, etc. OKAY? but then, it does have less protein than skim plus...hmmm...well that's something to think about i guess.

i'm also, next time, going to add an additional scoop of protein so that i'll be starting the day with 24 grams of protein already in the can.

any good smoothie pointers for me?

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coffee talk

so after having had the surgery, you're not supposed to drink for 30 minutes after eating. ever. I HATE THAT RULE. the reasoning is that if you do, it can turn the food you just ate into a sludge and it will pass through your pouch sooner, leaving you satisfied for a shorter time. I HATE IT. the reason i hate it, i realize, is because consumption is an addiction for me. i shouldn't care that much that i can't drink iced coffee or whatever for a half an hour, but it really bothers me. i realize that i don't like to go into a meeting or even a lengthy conversation without a drink i'm interested in (read: iced coffee), so much so that if i have just eaten and get pulled into a meeting, i will break the rule and bring my coffee with me. i really need to work on this, badly. i'm compelled to think deeply about what coffee means to me. a lot, as you can see from my pre-surgical worry about not being able to have it. that possibility seemed depressing to me.

when i was on my trip to toronto in january, i realized what a full-blown addiction to coffee i have. everywhere we went, all i could think about was where i could get coffee, and i'd feel anxiety about where the next cup would come from even before that one was halfway done. the thing is, it's not the coffee. it's the act of drinking it. it's very similar to the way i realized that i'm not addicted to food, i'm addicted to eating. they're different. i think the other big thing when i was on that trip was that everyone was drinking at our meals, and i can't right now. between that and the very controlled nature of what i can eat, socializing round the clock with family and friends like we were on that packed weekend trip, i felt disconnected and isolated while everyone else felt excited and happy. so much of our socializing was surrounding meals, and those were challenging, or annoying at best (except for this lovely evening at my great aunt and uncle's home which was so nice). having coffee that i was able to sip and enjoy all throughout all our activities was something i was "allowed" to do, and really helped me manage those undesirable feelings, and feel excited and happy too.

some of the people i've shared these feelings with have urged me to give myself a break and allow myself that small indulgence since it isn't working against my weight loss. but those feelings really bothered me, because i knew there was a deeper issue there, the way there always has been with my eating and how much my happiness and life-view at times has been wrapped up in eating. i'd argue that the coffee problem is in fact working against my weight loss, because it's more about the behavior and the habit than it is about the coffee itself. i'll give myself a break when it's water i'm addicted to. at that point, i won't fight the urge.

and on the water front, i'm trying very hard to drink as much water as i can, switching over to water at some point in the day and not going back to coffee until the next morning. what i'm realizing is that the more water i drink, the more i like it and the more thirsty for it i am. slices of lime were good for a while, though right now i'm on lemon and off lime. i've found that my PA sophie was absolutely right when she said that your tastes change regularly and i think keeping up to date on that and working it to my advantage is key.

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a tall glass of water

at the suggestion of the nutritionist i'm working with, i have stopped drinking diet sodas (except for one at a bar last weekend) and am in the process of weaning off of all forms of artificial sugars. she says they make you fat. not sure why yet, though i plan on asking more since i (and everyone i've mentioned it to) am very curious.

i like the idea of cutting out junky ingredients that are not really food, but chemicals. it makes sense with the way i've been moving in terms of educating myself about what's in the foods we eat. i also know that by limiting my intake of sweet foods, i will be "resetting my sweetstat," according to the excellent book crave, which i recently read.

i am definitely feeling better as i'm eliminating these fake sugars and carbonated drinks...i remember my weight watchers leader once saying that when she cut them out, all her muscle and joint pain went away. i hadn't thought about that until this morning, but i have to say, it's remarkably true. my knees aren't aching and walking downstairs doesn't hurt all over.

i'm also loving water. i mean looooooving it, which is totally new. it's so interesting how you can sort of tell your body what to do. drink water, i tell myself. and so that's what i'm starting to crave. serving it to myself in a nice carafe and sipping it with a straw makes it extra nice.

photo from photobucket