day of days

today is the day. my nerves are calmed, my mind is resigned to the fact that i won't know which procedure is done until i wake up. of course i'm still praying it's the bypass, and i'm wishing to god i could have a fucking sip of water (nope, not since midnight last night and the surgery isn't until 1 this afternoon!)

i smell coffee in the hospital waiting area and feel a longing sense of wonder - will i ever be able to have coffee again? the friend of a friend i spoke to a few days ago said she's never been able to have it comfortably again and she's seven years out. take my chinese food and pizza and and cupcakes, i've given it all up...even the cigarettes i said goodbye to five years ago, but please don't take my coffee. (the benefit of hindsight allows me to share that as i transfer my handwritten notes to this page, i'm sipping my delicious, beloved coffee with no problem at all).

it feels surreal this morning, definitely, but also peaceful. it's like the fear has drained out of me and now it's just about moving forward. i see dr. b in the hall of the hospital who asks if i'm ready. i say yes, and wonder aloud if he is too. he's ready. it's on.

i tell everyone who will listen that although i feel like i have to go to the bathroom, i can't. the nurse is about to strangle me because she's told me not to worry, but i just feel like it's only fair to let the people who will be handling my intestines know. dr. b laughs and says it's not him, maybe the nurses who will be impacted. no pun intended. any time someone asks me how i'm doing, i tell them i'm thirsty. i am SO thirsty. i ask when i can have some water, and they tell me tomorrow. they're not joking. curiosity killed the bypass patient.

with everyone aware of my bowel situation, my mouth a desert, and all the forms signed and sealed, i say goodbye to my mom and mitchell who have been amazing all day keeping me comfortable and laughing, and i am being wheeled in to my future, all alone. it might be the "martini" the anasthsiologist set me up with once i signed everything away, or the swirling realization that my life was about to change, but it's like i'm in another world, on another plane, and i drift off to sleep amid a slurred conversation about the nurse's favorite TV show...

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