had my last appt with dr. b today who was charged up and ready to cut. i can tell he’s at his sharpest and strongest when he’s in surgical mode which i guess is a very good thing. he's happy with where my weight is going in (about 30 lbs down from the liquid diet) and tells me that he's 90% sure he'll do the bypass but that if its unsafe, he'll do the gastric sleeve. EXQUEEZE ME? i think upon hearing that i would have thrown up if there was anything in my body to throw up…smart to put me on liquids before dropping that bomb. somewhere in my racing mind, i suddenly remembered him saying this months ago - that they don't truly know what they're going to do until you're on the table because each person's anatomy is different, but...EXQUEEZE ME?he further explains: if my stomach wall is too thick or my liver is too large, he'll go for the sleeve, a better option for higher risk, higher bmi patients. he assures me that he's done the bypass on patients heavier than me and with a higher bmi than me and it's all been fine, and he that he doesn't think it will be a problem, he just has to say it. have we met?
this causes me anxiety - obviously - not only because its uncertain, which i despise, but also because i had recently started to wonder more about the sleeve, which i had previously ruled out because it's results, statistically, aren't as profound as the bypass – it’s less invasive and while it’s restrictive like the bypass, it’s not malabsorptive. but my nutritionist had told me she knew of lots of people choosing the sleeve, which had had me wondering in the few weeks leading up to the big day. so when it came up that day, i mentioned it and dr. b said that insurance was approving it a lot these days, and that's the reason for the surge in popularity. he confirmed that the bypass was indeed the gold standard and the best option for me, and again reassured me he thought it would be fine.
this causes me anxiety - obviously - not only because its uncertain, which i despise, but also because i had recently started to wonder more about the sleeve, which i had previously ruled out because it's results, statistically, aren't as profound as the bypass – it’s less invasive and while it’s restrictive like the bypass, it’s not malabsorptive. but my nutritionist had told me she knew of lots of people choosing the sleeve, which had had me wondering in the few weeks leading up to the big day. so when it came up that day, i mentioned it and dr. b said that insurance was approving it a lot these days, and that's the reason for the surge in popularity. he confirmed that the bypass was indeed the gold standard and the best option for me, and again reassured me he thought it would be fine.
the curve ball of this new possibility sent me into high anxiety mode where i wondered if i should take some more weight off via liquids and reschedule the surgery for a month or two later, though i feared that route because my presurgical nerves were already frayed and i worried that given an out, i might chicken out of the whole thing. sophie, dr. b’s PA reassured me that another 20 or 30 lbs would make no difference – it’s not really a matter of the weight, but more a matter of where you carry it, in my case, in my midsection. with that, i had no choice but to resign myself to the notion that whichever procedure it turned out to be would be the right one for me at that moment, and that i would make the very best of whichever one it was. dr. b assured me that although statistically the bypass had the best overall results (with the sleeve next in line, and then the lapband below that), nothing would stop me from achieving the same with the sleeve. nothing except me.
in a way, the added stress of dr. b’s unexpected announcement did me a favor because it became my distraction from the other nerves that were starting to mount, forming a painful lump in my throat as i plowed ahead, unable to see what was beyond tomorrow, beyond the blind curve ahead, because truly, by this point i know that no amount of preparation and reading and thinking and talking could possibly prepare me for what comes next.
most disturbing news of the day was this thought: if dr. b thinks it’s a good idea to lose some more weight and reschedule for a couple months down the road, i could have a solid meal tonight. what would i want?
in a way, the added stress of dr. b’s unexpected announcement did me a favor because it became my distraction from the other nerves that were starting to mount, forming a painful lump in my throat as i plowed ahead, unable to see what was beyond tomorrow, beyond the blind curve ahead, because truly, by this point i know that no amount of preparation and reading and thinking and talking could possibly prepare me for what comes next.
most disturbing news of the day was this thought: if dr. b thinks it’s a good idea to lose some more weight and reschedule for a couple months down the road, i could have a solid meal tonight. what would i want?
OY.
image from trish berg
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