heavy drinking

i'm really glad that i'm not able to drink for at least a year after having the surgery. although i hadn't been drinking much in the years leading up to the surgery, i have been finding myself craving a drink, or really moreso, the feeling of being drunk. it sounds bad to say, but it's true. i feel like i sometimes want to be numbed, and it's no coincidence that that's what food used to do for me. i could zone out and sort of have that out of body experience you hear so many binge-eaters talk about. well, i don't have that any more, and i guess sometimes my default is to look for it in other places because although it was my life's greatest challenge and sadness, i do miss the ability to use food that way. my issue with coffee is one way of looking for a shortcut to "happiness" the same way food was, in the form of consumption. i worry that this kind of will always be a struggle.

i knew that i enjoyed the tylenol with codeine i had from the surgery a little much, and the same goes for the xanax prescription i've had for years without any problem. i'm totally managing it (and not filling any prescriptions) because i know i have an addictive personality to begin with, and i also know that many people who have had the surgery end up suffering from addiction transfer, or cross-addiction.

this makes sense, doesn't it? it's from this website.

there is an area deep in the brain which in lay terms is called the “pleasure center”. this is the part of the brain which is stimulated following pleasurable activities such as eating, having sex, etc. again, the primary neurochemical responsible for this stimulation is dopamine. it is the main “feel good” chemical in our brain and release of this transmitter in our pleasure center is incredibly reinforcing for repeating the particular behavior which caused its release.

and that's the truth...all those years i was eating that way, i was doing it because on some level, it was working for me. clearly not in every way, but it felt good. it was pleasure i could give myself all the time, and for the most part, no one could take it away from me. then when i took the codeine and the xanax (at different times, of course) although it was to ease my post-op pain, my airplane anxiety or my sleeplessness, they were also serving other needs - mainly the need to feel good.

i'm really hoping i can develop the feeling good mechanism from other things. it's not that i don't feel happy now...for the most part, i do. but the truth is, my biggest pre-surgical worry was feeling hopeless and sad without having food to look forward to, and although i don't often feel that way for more than a few minutes at a time, i guess it sort of comes out in my desire to zone out and feel a buzz (this desire, i should note, is also only for moments at a time).

i know this is something i need to work through, and it feels scary, but self-aware in a good way, to recognize that. the best i can do is continue to pursue my exploration of my inner struggles. and not fill any prescriptions. gotta joke about it.