some thoughts

i bagged up a few more bags of clothes this morning to donate and felt a little sadness at giving my things away. for a moment, it felt like a judgment on my former self, and like a disowning of all those moments of my life, especially the dressier, more special pieces. they were pieces i relied on in times where i wanted to feel as good as i could, and something about packing them into bags made me feel lonely. i kept repeating to myself that i was giving them away because of how much they helped me, and how much they'll help the next people that wear them, but it was still a little sad. it felt like the closing of a door and in a way, it is.

i'm still trying to figure out what dictates my feelings of satiety or lack thereof. i honestly think it's in my head, and not my body. last week i found a breakfast on sunday that stayed with me and i didn't find myself thinking about my next meal, so i had it on monday, and it didn't have that same effect. maybe it wasn't at all about the cottage cheese and half of a deli flat, but more about where my head was on sunday, as opposed to where it was on monday.

one of things that's sort of scary when i realize i still have a struggle with portions and have to manage the desire to overeat is that i feel like i'm back where i've always been. i never thought that this process was a fix-all, nor did i want it to be, but it does surprise me how alive and well the struggle can be. and what scares me is that i feel like i couldn't do it before, so how will i do it now?

the answer to that is two-fold. one part is that clearly, i have a physical restriction now that i didn't have before which will stop me from doing the kind of damage i could do before. but the larger, more important answer is a thought i've been clinging to since i heard it said. it was credited to jennifer hutt, who herself has struggled with weight, and she says this: "just because you couldn't do something yesterday doesn't mean you can't do it today." and i extend that to the idea that something you can't do today, you might be able to do tomorrow. in everything in life, i think this is crucial. it's about having faith in myself and my ability to evolve and grow and change and improve.