well worn

the pants i rediscovered a few weeks ago in my closet are too big now, as are the pants i bought a while ago to get me through a few sizes and the coat that was too tight to button even right after the surgery. i'm planning a trip to the tailor i use to see if she can make the pants less baggy somehow. in some ways, it's not even the waist as much as it's the extra fabric all throughout the leg. i know a waist button would be easy, though i don't know that she can do much about the leg part. we'll see - and if not, i'll just have to buy a pair or two to get me through this size, and then i think i have a bunch in the next size down. when i started this process, i was a 30/32 and often those tops were too small, though the pants were okay (the one pair of pants i'm saving is a pair of 30/32 black pants that were my go-to for a long time). at this point, i'm wearing a size 22 pants, and they're getting too baggy. i have the smallest size i've ever worn as an adult - a gap 14 - hanging in my closet SO ready for me when i'm ready for them.

i am packing up yet another package of very plus size clothes to bring to a women's shelter very in need of larger clothes. i'm so happy to have my things help others, especially when it's a community of such narrow, special needs - it's formerly abused, very plus size women who need clothes - how much better could it feel to help? but i have to say, as i go through my closet, it bugs me that there are items i will totally miss the window on, seasonally. for example, i have a fantastic faux fur jacket that i barely even fit in when i bought it, but i think by the time it fits me, it will be late spring. and by next fall/winter, it will be too big. same deal for THREE pairs of great size 18 bootcut corduroys in fun colors. i pulled them on today just to see how close and though the legs looked great, the waist was nowhere near closing.

but i can't get hung up on that stuff. i'll have plenty of time to shop for my forever wardrobe, or what i've always mentally referred to as "the thin list," an entirely new wardrobe from scratch when my weight loss is done. i find myself fantasizing about it all the time - what a unique and awesome experience that will be. i have never, EVER bought an item of clothing that i intended to own forever because i've never been at a size i planned to stay at. so literally, EVERYTHING must go. it's like a fire sale, and i'm thinking of organizing a swap in the spring or bringing batches of clothing to the support group meeting in addition to the shelter.... though i wonder if anyone there needs clothes that size. hard for me to tell if i'm the largest one in the room because my perception has become so skewed - probably mostly out of self-preservation. but maybe there will be someone at the beginning of their journey, considering the surgery or just there to listen who could benefit.

accessories, well that's another story. bags always fit. ALTHOUGH...i am excited to be able to wear lots of bags on my shoulder like other women do, while i often have had to treat straps as handles because of the size of my arm. so THAT opens up a whole other door!

it's exciting to think about shopping for my sister's wedding and considering dresses made for the mainstream. it's almost impossible to imagine what size i'll be by september, so i won't start looking until june or july, since i'm sure i will buy off the rack. my parents are being generous enough (as they were to give me the privilege of the surgery itself) to buy me the dress i choose so i can be excited about the prospect of shopping and not have the burden of the added expense. this is one of the ones i'm admiring, and here's another.

i feel really good culling through my closet every couple weeks and pulling out stuff that doesn't work anymore - some of it never did. as i see my hanging clothes and folded clothes starting to thin out and be less overstuffed, it makes a nice visual for the very thing happening to me.