going out to eat has actually become something of a nuisance. i never thought i'd say that, or think it or even be able to conceive of it. here's why (fair warning: this is really whiny):- most places have VERY few options for me because of all the restrictions (no sugar, no alcohol, very low carbs, nothing white, no carbonation, the list goes on...) SO what happens is i basically have to get whatever is safe, keeping in mind the necessity for the vast majority of what i eat to be protein (i need 80-100 grams daily). so often when dining out, i have to spend more than i want to on something that i might very well not want, and i often have to send it back for correction. here's an example: in toronto, we all went out to lunch one day and i wished i could just have a bowl of soup - cheap, easy, just the right amount of food. however, a few of the soups clearly had sugar or were very carby, and the others were unclear - no dice. so i had to get a salad with grilled chicken because the only other safe option was a cheese plate which, although it is protein, it's more calories and fat than it is protein. so a $20 salad with chicken it was. and on the triple check of whether the dressing had sugar, it turned out it in fact, did. glad i asked the third time. it's not that i want what other people are ordering - because strangely, that's not how my temptations work anymore, it's just that i don't always want what i'm ordering. and then sometimes i do.
- its expensive - most of the time when with other people, it's standard to split, but i eat a quarter of what most people eat and i don't drink at all - nothing, not juice, not soda, nothing. some people insist on paying more because they recognize it on the bill, but it just kind of sucks, the whole interchange.
- ordering is a whole scenario. i have to ask very, very clearly whether there is sugar in anything. in most cases, i tell the waiter right up front that i can't have any sugar and i ask for their help. i feel no shame, and i feel no apology, i just sometimes feel tired. tired of talking, tired of asking, tired of stressing importance. even when i get coffee, which i prefer iced, i get it in a hot cup because i can't use straws (too much air/gas) and i'm like the sweet and low gestapo, making sure they don't put sugar in. i have dreams (LITERALLY) that i find myself sucking on a piece of candy and then realize in a panic that it's sugar. i just tire myself out with my coffee order some days, plus my time in toronto highlighted to me that my coffee habit is an all-out addiction, to be addressed at a later point.
- everything requires explanation or special dispensation. WHY i'm only ordering an appetizer, WHY i don't need a drink, WHY i want water in my wine glass so i can feel like i'm partaking. even when dining at someone's house, most people don't know about all the restrictions, they just think you eat very little, and why should they know any different? i don't expect anyone to get it, it's taken me this long to get it straight. it's just then a decision - eat before and figure i'll pick, or call ahead and give them a full rider of what i do and don't eat, like i'm either an infant or a rock star on tour?
- i don't look forward to eating like i used to - of course dinner is about the company and not the dinner, but the way i feel these days, i'd rather just have the company. this is a totally incompatible feeling with the rest of the socializing, celebrating, living, breathing world, and i know this. if it were only up to me, i would never dine with anyone, because it doesn't feel fun or necessary. i feel like my nutrition can happen quickly and with no pomp and circumstance - 20 grams of protein here, 20 grams of protein there - can be rolled up turkey and a handful of almonds, or half a greek yogurt with some SF jelly mixed in. i don't want to pay a lot for it, and i don't want to spend a lot of time on it.
right now, i'd just rather linger over coffee or go shopping with someone because those are things i can partake in and be 100% satisfied and for this moment, i need to feel okay about feeling that way. and then after that moment, that's where the work is, in finding a balance. i don't like feeling this way really -- though the indifference is definitely liberating and bizarre -- because it's lonely in a lot of ways. and in some ways this is exactly what i was afraid of - not being able to enjoy eating and look forward to it the way i always have because on some levels, that brought me so much happiness. do i miss that? yes, i do. quite a bit.
but the bottom line is this...i never thought i'd simultaneously be so right about that fear - the not looking forward, the not taking pleasure - and still feel so good and happy and full of hope and joy. i thought i needed the food -- and the promise of the food -- to feel that way, and i'm glimpsing the fact that i don't.
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