if at some point i'm feeling depressed about not having food to use the way i always have, i am hoping i can remember how trapped i often felt by my desire to eat. of course i feel trapped by my size and my limitations, the judgements of others and the hopelessness i've sometimes felt, but i've also felt trapped by the desire itself. it's something that's almost always there, and especially recently, it's there even when i don't want it to be, when i'm not taking pleasure in it anymore. where are i am with this disorder at this moment in time feels the way it must feel to be on a thrill ride and decide you want to get off before it goes upside down. it's been so many years since i've been on a ride like that - so many years since i could fit in an amusement park ride, exactly 4 years since i've even tried.
there are times these days, especially leading up to the surgery, that i'm tired and i want to go to bed early, but then when would i eat the thing i've been looking forward to? or on a weekend day, i want to take a nap and lounge around without stress about the time, but i always find myself aware of it because i want to make sure i have enough time to have dinner -- would never want to miss a meal! -- and then stay awake digesting so my reflux doesn't act up when i recline to go to bed.
i look forward to wednesday when i start on liquids, and to every day after that when i am not a slave to food. i'm not fooling myself in thinking that i will always welcome this absence. but where i stand at the moment, i can't wait to be free of feeling compelled to eat, whether i'm hungry or not sometimes, and have a schedule and a flow of time that has nothing to do with it. i want to remember the feeling of being weighed down when i want to feel light, and remember that it is a gift i'm being given to move towards always feeling that lightness of being.
i'm also not fooling myself in thinking that the surgery is a magic bullet in any way. all the factors that made my relationship with food a miswired, toxic one will still be with me, and i will need to find new ways of coping with feelings i don't want. i know all this, and the work i've done over the last couple of years has helped me form a foundation on which to build a healthier path. but i also think it's one of those things where the physical change of the surgery is the first chapter - the inability to use the food in that way has to come first. if i were able to impose that behavior change on myself to create long-lasting change, i would have done it already, i know that for sure.
when i no longer have the frenemy that food has been, i will be forced to cope in other ways, and my commitment and dedication to understanding and change, my commitment to life really, will help me process it and make it real. make it who i am.
i have to think all this is true. because it makes sense, and because what's the alternative?
No comments:
Post a Comment