coffee talk

so after having had the surgery, you're not supposed to drink for 30 minutes after eating. ever. I HATE THAT RULE. the reasoning is that if you do, it can turn the food you just ate into a sludge and it will pass through your pouch sooner, leaving you satisfied for a shorter time. I HATE IT. the reason i hate it, i realize, is because consumption is an addiction for me. i shouldn't care that much that i can't drink iced coffee or whatever for a half an hour, but it really bothers me. i realize that i don't like to go into a meeting or even a lengthy conversation without a drink i'm interested in (read: iced coffee), so much so that if i have just eaten and get pulled into a meeting, i will break the rule and bring my coffee with me. i really need to work on this, badly. i'm compelled to think deeply about what coffee means to me. a lot, as you can see from my pre-surgical worry about not being able to have it. that possibility seemed depressing to me.

when i was on my trip to toronto in january, i realized what a full-blown addiction to coffee i have. everywhere we went, all i could think about was where i could get coffee, and i'd feel anxiety about where the next cup would come from even before that one was halfway done. the thing is, it's not the coffee. it's the act of drinking it. it's very similar to the way i realized that i'm not addicted to food, i'm addicted to eating. they're different. i think the other big thing when i was on that trip was that everyone was drinking at our meals, and i can't right now. between that and the very controlled nature of what i can eat, socializing round the clock with family and friends like we were on that packed weekend trip, i felt disconnected and isolated while everyone else felt excited and happy. so much of our socializing was surrounding meals, and those were challenging, or annoying at best (except for this lovely evening at my great aunt and uncle's home which was so nice). having coffee that i was able to sip and enjoy all throughout all our activities was something i was "allowed" to do, and really helped me manage those undesirable feelings, and feel excited and happy too.

some of the people i've shared these feelings with have urged me to give myself a break and allow myself that small indulgence since it isn't working against my weight loss. but those feelings really bothered me, because i knew there was a deeper issue there, the way there always has been with my eating and how much my happiness and life-view at times has been wrapped up in eating. i'd argue that the coffee problem is in fact working against my weight loss, because it's more about the behavior and the habit than it is about the coffee itself. i'll give myself a break when it's water i'm addicted to. at that point, i won't fight the urge.

and on the water front, i'm trying very hard to drink as much water as i can, switching over to water at some point in the day and not going back to coffee until the next morning. what i'm realizing is that the more water i drink, the more i like it and the more thirsty for it i am. slices of lime were good for a while, though right now i'm on lemon and off lime. i've found that my PA sophie was absolutely right when she said that your tastes change regularly and i think keeping up to date on that and working it to my advantage is key.

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