morning glory

from what i understand, it's not uncommon around the six-month post-op mark to start feeling more challenges than you've felt before. to be clear, i've never - not a single day since the surgery - felt like it was easy. i've felt every day like i was working for my weight loss and mental adjustment, which i actually prefer to the idea of it feeling effortless and easy. i've been working hard on all the mental and emotional aspects of my relationship with food and there's no version of reality in which that's easy, regardless of the size of one's stomach.

but i also experience extreme joy every day now...it feels like each day is impossibly full of milestones, landmarks and surreal changes. the other day on my commute into the city, it was occurring to me every step of the way how much had changed...i thought it would be good to document it all here.

although i worked very hard at not feeling apologetic about my size or how much room i took up, it did take an effort and i'm starting to feel that slip away.

waking up/getting ready
-treadmill - that's new, and i can't wait to be walking outside in the spring

-shower - so much easier to reach everything and wash myself quickly and easily

-toilet - without getting too graphic, i can stay seated to wipe. it's been years since that happened

-i'm putting on clothes i haven't even worn once...things i bought in the hopes that they would fit "when i lost weight" and never did. and then i'm putting on clothes that i have worn before...a long time ago.

-all my beloved bracelets are too big

-my rings are too big. i finally got a ring guard put on my engagement ring which is holding my wedding band on too. eventually, when i'm done losing weight i'll get them both resized.

commute
-much easier to step up into the bus even when they don't lower it (though i still prefer when they do)

-people don't shy away from sitting next to me anymore because i don't take up a seat and a half anymore

-when people do sit next to me, it's not uncomfortable for me or for them anymore
-i have a lap now, which comes in handy on crowded trains and buses for bags, books, magazines, etc.

-when my train arrives at penn station, i always feel the familiar dread about the stairs ahead of me and the desperate wish that there will be an elevator on the track we pull into. then i remember that the stairs are no big deal for me now - i don't need to stop at the top of the stairs and catch my breath, pretending to read an email or find something in my bag.

-i don't shy away from getting on a full bus because i don't need a seat anymore - it's not uncomfortable for me to stand for a few minutes - my knees and feet are totally painless every day now. i used to sometimes wait two or three buses so i could get on an empty one and get a good seat - preferably a single one.

-when i am standing on the bus, i don't constantly feel like i'm in everyones' way...people can get around me, and i don't have to keep saying "sorry" and "excuse me."

-while i've always taken two buses within the city to get to my office, sometimes i skip the second one and walk the eleven blocks with no problem. it actually feels good to walk, especially when i've already done the treadmill.

it's a new morning.

update 3/20: i forgot to mention that my bath towels wrap all the way around me now - i don't need two anymore!

image