mama got some new threads

as i've lost weight, i've bought just a few items here and there as my own wardrobe has dwindled, trying my best to have as much tailored as was worth it. in the process, i've gotten so much pleasure out of donating my clothes - many of them in excellent condition and of high quality - to women in need, especially with the understanding that plus size clothes are often the most in demand in low income households for reasons pretty easy to understand - specialty stores are generally less accessible, hand-me-downs don't often work when the receiver is a size 30 or 32 like i was. so it brings me a lot of happiness to distribute those items around. sidenote...i have a friend who works for the city, and right before thanksgiving a few years ago, she called me very sensitively asking for clothes for a woman who was fleeing an abusive situation. i was the only person my friend knew whose clothes might fit this woman. for one of the only moments in my life, i felt blessed to be the size i was that day, if only to be able to help that woman.

but i digress...bottom line, i needed some new clothes. i'm so loathe to spend money on things right now, knowing that very quickly they'll be too big, and too big means unflattering i'm quickly learning. at this point, things that are maybe a tad small are actually more flattering than things that are a tad too big, perhaps because they show my smaller size more accurately than anything drapey or droopy does. but mitchell encouraged me to pick up a few items wisely, with coupons, on sale if need be, but to do it. i forced myself to, figuring i've been working very hard and deserve to feel good in what i'm wearing. i bought all but one item in a 14/16 (WHAT???) and it occurred to me that this might be one of my final trips to my trusty avenue that's been so convenient, right around the corner from my office all these years. good problem to have. where will i go now? i still feel like if i were to walk into the gap or a similarly "normal" store, the staff would be thinking "oh no, honey, we don't carry your size..."

here's what i got:

  

this top in both a deep navy and black, neither of which is shown online,  

this tee in black to wear under cardigans, jackets, etc. the sleeves are far too short to wear alone, but it was under $5 on clearance and i'll basically just treat it like a tank. also,

this cardigan in black which i really love. it was the only thing i got in an 18/20 because i liked the way it looked. i think i'm going to have my tailor add a little hook and eye closure to the front to make it more fitted, but the 14/16 didn't look as generous or as pretty on.

then i got this cardigan too, also in black, because it's a very different style than the other, and i truly feel like having two very different, lightweight black cardigans will make my wardrobe life a million times better right now.

today is a good day, and i have reason tomorrow will be too, since i won't have to argue with a closet full of ill-fitting, too bulky or not-quite-the-right-size garments.

the weigh it is

i always remember in weight watchers people saying how important it was to weigh and measure all the time for a few reasons...even when eating at home, eating the same bowl of cereal or cottage cheese or whatever every day, that portion can grow from day to day if you're not keeping it in check by measuring it regularly. i remember my leader suggesting that even if it wasn't practical to weigh every meal and snack every day, to be sure and measure each of your staples at least once a week to keep the visual fresh in your mind of what an ounce or a cup looks and feels like. the other great reason for measuring when at home is that it makes you that much better at estimating when you're not at home.when weight watchers worked for me (and it did work for me), i was very diligent about weighing and measuring and just submitted to it as a way of life.

for me, even though it's not as much about the calories at this point as someone on a "diet," per se, it's just as important to weigh and measure. although my stomach's small size will stop me from eating too much in one sitting in any significant way, it would not stop me from eating an ounce or two or even three over the 4-6 ounces i'm supposed to stick to, especially if it's a food that goes down easier which tend to be the highest calorie and fat foods, lucky me. if i eat more than 4-6 ounces in one sitting often, and certainly with any kind of regularity, my pouch will stretch and small amounts of food will no longer fill me -- pouch stretchage is one of the main reasons for weight regain in WLS patients. so my solution is to weigh whenever i can - i have a scale at home, and i'm not afraid to admit i have one at work too. 

today's lunch* weighed in at exactly 6 ounces, which tells me i was probably a little on the hungry side when i was preparing it. the bowl felt heavy to me, and i was a little nervous to weigh it. why? because if it were over 6 ounces, i would have had to put some back, and that moment is still amazingly hard for me. it's MINE and i don't like when it's taken away. i pay close attention how i'm feeling anytime i eat and force myself to stop if i'm feeling full, but i am particularly mindful of that potential when i'm eating an amount that's at the top of my range, like today. today's lunch felt perfectly filling, and i think incidentally, the warmth was a nice touch. LOL. i find that different temperature foods make my pouch and my satiety levels feel different, and these past few days, hot food has been working.

*the strangely unappetizing looking meal you see here was actually quite delicious and was as follows: 2 trader joe's turkey meatballs, about 1/3 cup quinoa with roasted vegetables and 2 tbsp shredded parmesan cheese, all melted together.

the long, slow binge

one of the reasons why gastric bypass surgery was so right for me is that binging has always been at the core of my problem, and the surgery makes it literally impossible to binge. i am totally certain every day that my ability to binge needed to be removed so that i could heal and recover from what is most certainly an addiction, a disorder, an illness. i often liken it to a drug addict who needs to be forcibly removed from drugs in order to withdraw and participate in any kind of meaningful therapy or healing or recovery. it's the exact same thing with binging for me. although the obvious metaphor for the drug is food, it's not so for me. my drug was never food, it was binging. i realized in the road leading to my surgery as i explored why it was so hard to let go of food in that way, that i was not addicted to food...i was addicting to eating -- to the sheer, merciful, numbing act of eating. binging was the ultimate form of eating...stuffing myself so full and often so fast that it was a total paralysis...in the best, and worst, of ways. so when people ask if i miss food...i don't. there isn't a single food i truly, truly miss. pizza smells good sometimes, bagels sound delicious. but it's not temptation, and there's no sadness. what i do miss is the way the food made me feel and what it did for me. clearly it did a lot of things that weren't so great too, but it worked. i don't think i would have done it for so long that way if it hadn't.

so i can't binge. and thank god. as grandmothers everywhere would say...kenahara. AND HOW. 

what i can do, though, is graze which is basically a long, slow binge. one of the cardinal rules of weight loss surgery success (and probably with any weight loss success, period) is not to  graze. several small meals a day, yes. snacking throughout the day, NO. i'm learning i have to be careful not to do this, because the few times i have found myself eating a little here and there, i've found that it's a way to numb myself just a little here and there. it's in no way the way it was before, and definitely doesn't achieve the same wonderful, horrible effect, but it does it's own kind of work, and i've learned quickly to be mindful of it. 

so much of the appeal of the binge was the anticipation...the looking forward to it, the mental rehearsing, the blissful moments right before, and then the moments of actual consumption...of course afterwards it was all downhill, but that didn't seem to matter. so if you look at those components..the anticipation, the mental rehearsing, the moments of actual consumption...they all exist in grazing, and can exist every hour on the hour since i can only eat a little at a time. i could see how a binger could become a grazer...it's like beating the system and it's not okay for a few reasons...first, because you could easily consume enough calories to GAIN weight rather than lose, even with a stomach the size of an egg. and second, and most importantly, because it's not a behavior and a need i want to allow forever. 

i need to learn to make choices...if i'm in the mood for a pb&j and also a shrimp and veggie salad, i have to be okay with choosing only one, not choosing instead to have the shrimp salad now and have a taste of peanut butter later. even if it's calorically okay for me, it's not behaviorally okay. 

it's a long fucking road.

showers of happiness

we had a bridal shower for my sister the other day and aside from the fact that i felt great in my fab caftan with everyone's sweet compliments, it was an amazing experience to run an event as i have so many times and to be on my feet going and doing for 12 hours straight and NOT feel like i was going to pass out. back then, my ankles and knees and back would be screaming in pain and i'd give my first born to sit down, but in most cases, i'd soldier through - part denial, part stubbornness and part passion for what i was going.

experiences like that are the type that although i'd be loving them in my former life, they'd also be physically hurting me in a way that felt like pain and shame and sadness. i'd rarely let on that that was the way i felt, but i think those closest to me always knew and were concerned about me in those moments. on sunday at the shower and afterwards, my mom and my sister kept asking me to sit down and take a rest the way they used to, but i really didn't need a rest. i felt really good.

9 month surgiversary

today is my 9 month surgiversary and i'm feeling great. here were some milestones from my checkup yesterday. 

-blood pressure - 136 over 83

-my pulse was 56 - an "athletic pulse" - WHAT?

-27 lbs down from my last checkup at 6 months putting me at 135 down total

-dr. b and sophie (PA) said i'm doing "phenomenally" (love that word). it was the first time dr. b seemed impressed with me :) it's hard for him to be impressed because this is what he does every day. his happiness made me very proud.

sophie said how glad she was to hear me talking about the behavior and my awareness of different trigger foods,etc. she said "i know you know this, but i want you to hear me say it...this is what is going to get you to your target weight and keep you there." i do know it, but it was important to hear her say it. it made me feel like i can trust myself that i will get there and stay there. it's scary to trust myself that way.

also to note, my plateau has ended and i've lost another 10 lbs. OBVIOUSLY the gym. DAMMIT.

i was really glad that even with my almost month-long plateau, my weight loss for the three month period since my last checkup was exactly on target for this point in the game, so i made up for the plateau in the other two months.

life is good.

a short update

one of the things i notice most in my daily life now is how much less space i take up. i'm not in everyone's way all the time anymore. i have so much more to share and am going to take lots of time over the weekend to write it all down. but that's the thing i'm feeling most this morning. not always having to say "excuse me" and "sorry" for being in peoples' way. even though i tried my best not to feel apologetic for my size, that feeling was woven into everything.

i've still been waking up at 5 to work out. feels really good. and this morning, i was willing myself to just go back into the air conditioned comfort of slumber, but my mind wouldn't let me. it just kept telling me it was time to get up and work out. so i did.

lots more next week, i promise.

the 5 AM club

i am feeling so good to be a member of the group of bleary-eyed soldiers at the gym before the clock strikes 5:30 am. it feels really special and new to be a part of a group of people who find a little pocket of time in the early moments of the day to do what they need to do. i don't think i thought i'd ever be one of them. mazel to me.