reflections

this morning as i got ready in the bathroom mirror, i didn't flinch at the sight of my fingers and my forearms. they looked trimmer than i've ever seen them. my medical id bracelet is already sliding halfway up my arm, and almost off my hand when facing the ground. it's as if the really extra layers of fat have peeled away. my fingers have always bothered me ... i've felt like they looked like short pieces of sausage. positive self-talk my ass, you should have seen my fingers! they are one of the body parts i have been taking pictures of as i lose weight to keep track of the change. i'm glad i've done that, and i know i must post all my progress pics here ASAP. just trying to figure out what the best way to do it is, in blog form.

never mind my upper arms, though. in some ways, a bigger problem than before because the once full skin is now less full, and sagging and wrinkling. i realize i will most definitely have to wear full sleeves to my sister's wedding. even if i've lost a lot more weight by then, there's no way i won't need arm coverage. not a problem for me, since the styles i gravitate toward are actually on the matronly side. i guess we adapt, right?

i try not to think about the inevitable need for "plastics" as they're called in the bariatric world - nips and tucks and lifts i'll undoubtedly need. i try to put that out of my mind for now...seems like a lot to think about otherwise.

for today, i choose to focus on my thin(ner) fingers. mitchell is sad to see my old fingers go, though he's thrilled at my success and increasing health. it's nice that he thought they were cute, but nicer that they're not "cute" anymore.

some thoughts

i bagged up a few more bags of clothes this morning to donate and felt a little sadness at giving my things away. for a moment, it felt like a judgment on my former self, and like a disowning of all those moments of my life, especially the dressier, more special pieces. they were pieces i relied on in times where i wanted to feel as good as i could, and something about packing them into bags made me feel lonely. i kept repeating to myself that i was giving them away because of how much they helped me, and how much they'll help the next people that wear them, but it was still a little sad. it felt like the closing of a door and in a way, it is.

i'm still trying to figure out what dictates my feelings of satiety or lack thereof. i honestly think it's in my head, and not my body. last week i found a breakfast on sunday that stayed with me and i didn't find myself thinking about my next meal, so i had it on monday, and it didn't have that same effect. maybe it wasn't at all about the cottage cheese and half of a deli flat, but more about where my head was on sunday, as opposed to where it was on monday.

one of things that's sort of scary when i realize i still have a struggle with portions and have to manage the desire to overeat is that i feel like i'm back where i've always been. i never thought that this process was a fix-all, nor did i want it to be, but it does surprise me how alive and well the struggle can be. and what scares me is that i feel like i couldn't do it before, so how will i do it now?

the answer to that is two-fold. one part is that clearly, i have a physical restriction now that i didn't have before which will stop me from doing the kind of damage i could do before. but the larger, more important answer is a thought i've been clinging to since i heard it said. it was credited to jennifer hutt, who herself has struggled with weight, and she says this: "just because you couldn't do something yesterday doesn't mean you can't do it today." and i extend that to the idea that something you can't do today, you might be able to do tomorrow. in everything in life, i think this is crucial. it's about having faith in myself and my ability to evolve and grow and change and improve.

if you'll please

In recent years as I've really started to examine my weight and the issue it’s been for so long, I've come to firmly believe that many major parts of my personality have been formed in response to my weight and have, in turn, continued the cycle.

For as long as I've been this version of myself (let's call it high school and beyond), I've been a pleaser. Not in the typical sense of a pleaser who is meek or disappearing or doesn't share their feelings -- not a wallflower, because I've also always been bold and outspoken, and therein lies the duality.

Bold and outspoken because I guess I figured if I could thrill people with my funny, loud charms, they'd notice and appreciate that before they'd notice and judge my size. If I could project strength and a well-adjusted sprit in spite of my weight, the power of suggestion might work for others and for me. It was exhausting and it was that need to dominate all situations with sauce and flair (read: a loud voice), combined with my weight-induced acid reflux, that created a precancerous legion on one of my vocal folds that needed to be removed. When I was on voice rest during that time, I had no choice but to consider the circumstances that had brought me there, and the need to shine and charm in spite of my size was what brought me there -- it wasn't that I used my size as a punchline, because I never even addressed it - it was just that I could present myself as incredibly grounded and stable, in spite of an unusual size, and that seemed to please people. It was a compulsion in the sense that it was a mask I often wore - when I didn't feel like being clever or sassy, I didn't want to do anything at all, because there was no low-key way to be for me, save for a few one-on-one relationships. It was who I was, and I had created a monster.

If the funny, outgoing woman was the outward expression of my need to please, then my fear of being judged was the underlying motive, and I guess that's textbook for a pleaser. If I could be the absolute best friend, sister, daughter, employee, train rider, customer, you name it...the funniest, the sharpest, the most loyal…the friend who never said no to any favor or request and never ended an outing early no matter how tired or sick, the daughter or sister who never created any boundaries or sent anyone out of their way, the employee that had no personal limits...if I could be that person, then despite my size, I'd be loved and valued. And I guess I thought that if I made a strong enough impression in those ways, I'd beat people to their judgment of my weight. I was afraid that if I gave anyone occasion to be upset with me or think poorly of me, they'd never stop.

The only person who was not the victim (or perhaps benefactor) of this drive to please and placate was my husband Mitchell who, not because I told him or invited him in, was on the inside. He knew how much my feet hurt after endlessly parading around with a friend on a mission long after I had physically had enough. He knew I had trouble saying no or disappointing anyone and started to say so, which made it easier for me to acknowledge it. He knew that I would suppress my own needs for privacy, alone time, space or anything else by choking it down - in the form of huge takeout meals or pounds of pasta at a time. He also knew I didn't have trouble saying no to him, which is mainly because I've never questioned his approval and devotion to me, and I knew that I didn’t have his approval or devotion because of anything I did for him or anyone else, but just because of who I am. I was deeply touched when my mother, shortly before my surgery, told me how she loved me and was proud of me - not for anything I do, not for Carla the Writer or Carla the Wedding Planner or the Organizer or anything like that. Just for who I've been since I was born. The thought touched me, and it hooked onto what I was already exploring...the notion of who I am not being about what I do all the time. When you've been one way for a long time, it’s hard to separate actions from identity, and that's a bridge I'm building now.

I'm trying to draw lines and boundaries, and trying to say no when I don't want to do something, and I'm resisting the urge to explain myself or override my feelings. Of course, obligations have a place in relationships and I'll never deny that, but I'm starting to delineate true obligations from manufactured ones from feelings of insecurity from pressure, whether external or self-imposed. I want to play my role in peoples' lives out of love and respect and joy, not out of an actually selfish need to please. It feels empowering to set my own limits and feel like I'm in control of the way I live, in so many ways. I don't need to be ruled by guilt or obligation or the shackles of an unrealistic mask I put on myself just to divert peoples’ attention from what has been my greatest struggle. I know it’s an adjustment for people in my life, and I'm doing my best to be understanding and patient about it. I'm okay with the idea that it will take time. As I'm learning every day, all real change does.

5 month surgiversary

yesterday marked exactly 5 months since my surgery. the ticker above shows my total weight loss...123.5 since my heaviest weight ever...since the surgery it's 73 lbs down, and since the 3 week liquid diet right before the surgery, 103 lbs.

the most exciting part of the ticker above is that from my highest weight ever to my goal, i'm more than halfway there.

feeling good

today was a great day. i started the day by bringing daffodils to my grandmother and then took a long, fast walk outside. i took one yesterday too, and on each walk i finished a bottle of water. two stones in one. i feel really good about it, and really proud.

i also feel like my breakfast was really satisfying, and i found that contrary to the way i've been feeling, i didn't think about food for several hours afterward. even when i stopped at the store to get some chicken for the week, i didn't have any interest in the plentiful samples of cheese laid out. i had 1/3 cup of axelrod creamed whipped cottage cheese, a half of a pepperidge farm 7 grain deli flat with a tablespoon of olivio light. definitely going to have to continue that this week, especially because i need to use up the cottage cheese.

then i assembled my lunch for the week to bring to work, which i always do on mondays so i only have to carry it once. this week, it's mainly this chicken (sort of beating myself off because i want to get off processed, but for right now, this works) and diced cucumber on ak mak flatbreads with some of this dressing (again, processed).

i also made this soup which is quite honestly restaurant quality. instead of doing both teaspoons of regular curry powder, i did one of hot curry powder and 1 of regular so it has a really nice kick.

i feel like the week's off to a good start.

morning glory

from what i understand, it's not uncommon around the six-month post-op mark to start feeling more challenges than you've felt before. to be clear, i've never - not a single day since the surgery - felt like it was easy. i've felt every day like i was working for my weight loss and mental adjustment, which i actually prefer to the idea of it feeling effortless and easy. i've been working hard on all the mental and emotional aspects of my relationship with food and there's no version of reality in which that's easy, regardless of the size of one's stomach.

but i also experience extreme joy every day now...it feels like each day is impossibly full of milestones, landmarks and surreal changes. the other day on my commute into the city, it was occurring to me every step of the way how much had changed...i thought it would be good to document it all here.

although i worked very hard at not feeling apologetic about my size or how much room i took up, it did take an effort and i'm starting to feel that slip away.

waking up/getting ready
-treadmill - that's new, and i can't wait to be walking outside in the spring

-shower - so much easier to reach everything and wash myself quickly and easily

-toilet - without getting too graphic, i can stay seated to wipe. it's been years since that happened

-i'm putting on clothes i haven't even worn once...things i bought in the hopes that they would fit "when i lost weight" and never did. and then i'm putting on clothes that i have worn before...a long time ago.

-all my beloved bracelets are too big

-my rings are too big. i finally got a ring guard put on my engagement ring which is holding my wedding band on too. eventually, when i'm done losing weight i'll get them both resized.

commute
-much easier to step up into the bus even when they don't lower it (though i still prefer when they do)

-people don't shy away from sitting next to me anymore because i don't take up a seat and a half anymore

-when people do sit next to me, it's not uncomfortable for me or for them anymore
-i have a lap now, which comes in handy on crowded trains and buses for bags, books, magazines, etc.

-when my train arrives at penn station, i always feel the familiar dread about the stairs ahead of me and the desperate wish that there will be an elevator on the track we pull into. then i remember that the stairs are no big deal for me now - i don't need to stop at the top of the stairs and catch my breath, pretending to read an email or find something in my bag.

-i don't shy away from getting on a full bus because i don't need a seat anymore - it's not uncomfortable for me to stand for a few minutes - my knees and feet are totally painless every day now. i used to sometimes wait two or three buses so i could get on an empty one and get a good seat - preferably a single one.

-when i am standing on the bus, i don't constantly feel like i'm in everyones' way...people can get around me, and i don't have to keep saying "sorry" and "excuse me."

-while i've always taken two buses within the city to get to my office, sometimes i skip the second one and walk the eleven blocks with no problem. it actually feels good to walk, especially when i've already done the treadmill.

it's a new morning.

update 3/20: i forgot to mention that my bath towels wrap all the way around me now - i don't need two anymore!

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the devil

my food demons are alive and well, and it's starting to make me nervous that i still think about food and eating. for all the ways i thought i'd feel free, i still kind of feel shackled. i'm hoping that the reason i've been feeling this way has to do with my menstrual cycle, since i do think i'll be getting my period in the next couple days (my cycle is starting to change a little so it's hard to track). other potential reasons are dehydration (totally possible as water remains a challenge) and head hunger (also totally possible, in fact, probable).

i know it's different for everyone, and i do totally believe that. but at the same time, i feel like so many people who've had the surgery talk about not caring about food, not being hungry, having to set alarms to remind them to eat because they just don't even think about it. that's so not happening to me. it's not that i don't feel satisfied after eating, i even sometimes feel full. but i often seem to get hungry (or head hungry?) soon after.

when i encounter the somewhat common occurrence that i'm full before i've finished what i planned to eat, it's a hard moment for me. i feel deprived in that moment...like, i'm allowed to have that. it's mine. i feel like something is being taken from me, and i guess it's the opposite of the type of happiness i used to try and give myself (often successfully) with food. for all the happiness i felt gorging myself before, it's sadness and deprivation when i can't finish the four ounces of food i can have now. it's a work in progress, and i'm focusing lots of energy on those very moments - telling myself that the moment will pass, the same way my feelings passed when i was quitting smoking.

there was one moment that scared me a few weeks ago. i was full and had left about a quarter of my serving on the plate. i was in the bathroom and the thought crossed my mind that i could throw up and then have room to finish my meal. the thought scared me, and it felt like a dark moment. i knew in that second that if i did it, i'd be starting on a whole new path that could potentially lead me down a very dark road, and not a healthy or happy one. i'm working too hard on being healthy and happy to go down that road, and while all those thoughts were going through my mind, i tried so hard to focus in on why it felt so crucially important to me to finish my plate, even though i was very obviously full. i couldn't crack it but just the question stopped me in my tracks and it was a really intense moment for me.

i'm hoping that my efforts to drink lots of water and exercise a lot will help to relieve some of what at least definitely feels like legitimate hunger.

heavy drinking

i'm really glad that i'm not able to drink for at least a year after having the surgery. although i hadn't been drinking much in the years leading up to the surgery, i have been finding myself craving a drink, or really moreso, the feeling of being drunk. it sounds bad to say, but it's true. i feel like i sometimes want to be numbed, and it's no coincidence that that's what food used to do for me. i could zone out and sort of have that out of body experience you hear so many binge-eaters talk about. well, i don't have that any more, and i guess sometimes my default is to look for it in other places because although it was my life's greatest challenge and sadness, i do miss the ability to use food that way. my issue with coffee is one way of looking for a shortcut to "happiness" the same way food was, in the form of consumption. i worry that this kind of will always be a struggle.

i knew that i enjoyed the tylenol with codeine i had from the surgery a little much, and the same goes for the xanax prescription i've had for years without any problem. i'm totally managing it (and not filling any prescriptions) because i know i have an addictive personality to begin with, and i also know that many people who have had the surgery end up suffering from addiction transfer, or cross-addiction.

this makes sense, doesn't it? it's from this website.

there is an area deep in the brain which in lay terms is called the “pleasure center”. this is the part of the brain which is stimulated following pleasurable activities such as eating, having sex, etc. again, the primary neurochemical responsible for this stimulation is dopamine. it is the main “feel good” chemical in our brain and release of this transmitter in our pleasure center is incredibly reinforcing for repeating the particular behavior which caused its release.

and that's the truth...all those years i was eating that way, i was doing it because on some level, it was working for me. clearly not in every way, but it felt good. it was pleasure i could give myself all the time, and for the most part, no one could take it away from me. then when i took the codeine and the xanax (at different times, of course) although it was to ease my post-op pain, my airplane anxiety or my sleeplessness, they were also serving other needs - mainly the need to feel good.

i'm really hoping i can develop the feeling good mechanism from other things. it's not that i don't feel happy now...for the most part, i do. but the truth is, my biggest pre-surgical worry was feeling hopeless and sad without having food to look forward to, and although i don't often feel that way for more than a few minutes at a time, i guess it sort of comes out in my desire to zone out and feel a buzz (this desire, i should note, is also only for moments at a time).

i know this is something i need to work through, and it feels scary, but self-aware in a good way, to recognize that. the best i can do is continue to pursue my exploration of my inner struggles. and not fill any prescriptions. gotta joke about it.

coffee talk

so after having had the surgery, you're not supposed to drink for 30 minutes after eating. ever. I HATE THAT RULE. the reasoning is that if you do, it can turn the food you just ate into a sludge and it will pass through your pouch sooner, leaving you satisfied for a shorter time. I HATE IT. the reason i hate it, i realize, is because consumption is an addiction for me. i shouldn't care that much that i can't drink iced coffee or whatever for a half an hour, but it really bothers me. i realize that i don't like to go into a meeting or even a lengthy conversation without a drink i'm interested in (read: iced coffee), so much so that if i have just eaten and get pulled into a meeting, i will break the rule and bring my coffee with me. i really need to work on this, badly. i'm compelled to think deeply about what coffee means to me. a lot, as you can see from my pre-surgical worry about not being able to have it. that possibility seemed depressing to me.

when i was on my trip to toronto in january, i realized what a full-blown addiction to coffee i have. everywhere we went, all i could think about was where i could get coffee, and i'd feel anxiety about where the next cup would come from even before that one was halfway done. the thing is, it's not the coffee. it's the act of drinking it. it's very similar to the way i realized that i'm not addicted to food, i'm addicted to eating. they're different. i think the other big thing when i was on that trip was that everyone was drinking at our meals, and i can't right now. between that and the very controlled nature of what i can eat, socializing round the clock with family and friends like we were on that packed weekend trip, i felt disconnected and isolated while everyone else felt excited and happy. so much of our socializing was surrounding meals, and those were challenging, or annoying at best (except for this lovely evening at my great aunt and uncle's home which was so nice). having coffee that i was able to sip and enjoy all throughout all our activities was something i was "allowed" to do, and really helped me manage those undesirable feelings, and feel excited and happy too.

some of the people i've shared these feelings with have urged me to give myself a break and allow myself that small indulgence since it isn't working against my weight loss. but those feelings really bothered me, because i knew there was a deeper issue there, the way there always has been with my eating and how much my happiness and life-view at times has been wrapped up in eating. i'd argue that the coffee problem is in fact working against my weight loss, because it's more about the behavior and the habit than it is about the coffee itself. i'll give myself a break when it's water i'm addicted to. at that point, i won't fight the urge.

and on the water front, i'm trying very hard to drink as much water as i can, switching over to water at some point in the day and not going back to coffee until the next morning. what i'm realizing is that the more water i drink, the more i like it and the more thirsty for it i am. slices of lime were good for a while, though right now i'm on lemon and off lime. i've found that my PA sophie was absolutely right when she said that your tastes change regularly and i think keeping up to date on that and working it to my advantage is key.

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