step away from the salad

why is this moment always so hard for me? i got a salad for lunch today and i knew from the beginning that i wouldn't be able to eat the whole thing. i just don't eat the whole thing in my new life. in this case, it's not about calories but about volume -- i'm not supposed to eat more than 5 ounces of anything at once because it will stretch my pouch, and a salad that's more than just lettuce weighs way more than that.

a salad is one of those foods that i feel expanding in my stomach as i eat it, and so by this point in the salad, it's my body telling me i'm done. it's over. kitchen's closed. but i feel this driving pull to keep eating...i'm enjoying it, it's MINE and i don't want it to end.

i closed the salad and will put it away for later. a victory, but i still don't know why it's so hard. i guess it's not one easy answer and it's clearly not just about the size of my stomach.

smooth(ie) sailing

 

i made my first protein shake this morning...first ever, actually. of course i've tried the dreaded protein supplements with water in the weeks leading up to the surgery when i was on all liquids, but i quickly got wise and switched to the ready to drink pure protein shakes which are reasonably priced (they're cheapest at trader joe's, of course), reasonably good and totally easy.

since i've incorporated food back in (after about a month post-op) i've often not quite understood why so many post-op patients still use the protein shakes. it's kind of made me worry at times why everyone but me seems to feel the need, while i was perfectly happy (and have little trouble) eating my protein in the form of lean meats and fish. everyone would always say it's a great way to get your protein in, and that highlighted my own insecurities about the process - should i not be able to eat 80-100 grams of protein a day (some docs say 60-80, mine says 80-100 especially if you're working out)...is it weird that i can eat, and that i still like to? well, that's a topic for a whole other post, and i'll get to that...BUT i am finally starting to understand why protein shakes make sense at certain times. here's why:

even though i physically can eat dense protein (chicken, turkey, fish) with every meal and mostly do, sometimes i'm not in the mood. sometimes i want a salad without chicken in it for lunch, or just a pickle or some sliced cucumbers for a snack, but i haven't allowed myself to choose things like that because in order to get to my protein goals, i need to eat it with every bite i take. by incorporating a large dose of protein in another way (shake), i can have a salad for lunch, and any protein i have with it is a bonus. this is also really good because it means that i can have a very low calorie lunch or snack, which helps in my overall pursuit to stay around 1,000 calories a day. that's also a topic for a whole other post, because with the right (read: wrong) food choices, i could easily still be eating close to 2,000 calories a day. it's all a choice and the surgery is just a tool. okay, adding that to my list of topics to write about soon.

so back to the protein shake (longest protein shake story ever)....i want feedback and advice if you want to share it! here's what i made this morning:

1 cup skim plus

1 scoop pure protein powder

1/2 cup frozen peach slices

3 ice cubes

1/2 tsp almond extract

1/2 packet sweet & low

it was pretty good! not amazing, but totally drinkable and kind of delicious on some sips. i definitely like the almond extract and might add some vanilla as well, and perhaps some cinnamon. i think that would go well with the peaches, because i remember this recipe from a few summers ago.

i'm a little upset about the half packet of sweet and low...i'm trying to get off all artificial sweeteners (sweet and low in coffee is the one i can't kick) but it really needed it. i have to find some way around that and since i can't use sugar or honey, my options are limited. i am thinking of trying both agave and stevia...any suggestions?

i think i also might try this coconut milk "beverage" in place of the skim plus ... why? well, because with the help of this coupon site, i'm getting 2 cartons for free! also because a cup of it is less than half the calories of skim and because it's generally nutritious. it's also non-dairy, organic, non-GMO, etc. OKAY? but then, it does have less protein than skim plus...hmmm...well that's something to think about i guess.

i'm also, next time, going to add an additional scoop of protein so that i'll be starting the day with 24 grams of protein already in the can.

any good smoothie pointers for me?

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best advice i've gotten

these are some of the best tidbits i've collected so far from other people...been meaning to write them down here for a while because they've been endlessly important to my progress.

• on shopping: don't stock up on anything - your tastes change: this is true for vitamins, foods, drinks, protein powders, protein snacks, etc. i've found that once something doesn't taste good to me these days, it's over. not trying it again, at least not for a while  -- sophie the PA
• on dressing: get a few pairs of stretchy black pants that can take you through a few sizes, otherwise dressing appropriately is a problem. you can't possibly buy new clothes for every size you careen down through so having some pieces that can stretch and retract helps -- adrienne the nutritionsit
•  on deciding: whatever you're considering, whatever your doubts are, whichever surgery you decide to do, just do it -- arlene from the support group
• on learning to eat slow: do things in between each bite. take a bite then get up and put something away. then take another bite and go open some mail, etc. -- a guy whose name i can't remember from support group
• on recognizing satisfaction: some people don't feel fullness in their stomach anymore because it's so small...instead you feel it creeping up your esophagus because that's the only place the food has to go -- dr. buchin
• on recognizing satisfaction, part 2: sometimes feeling satisfied is just when you no longer feel interested in eating what's on your plate -- susan maria leach

four of a kind

alright so i have to share a great meal idea i've created/found. it takes three minutes and creates four meals, as seen above. here's the deal:

i take four trader joe's whole wheat low carb tortillas and break up one piece of american cheese on each one,  then microwave for 45 seconds, until the cheese is just melted.

once all four are melted, i use one 100 calorie packet of wholly guacamole (a quarter of the packet on each tortilla), spreading it on like a condiment. then i add to each one: 1.5 to 2 oz of cooked white meat chicken (i've been getting it at costco, kirkland brand), one tablespoon of light sour cream and some chopped scallions.

i fold each one in half and press to sort of seal them, slide them into a ziploc bag and stack them in the refrigerator.  they're exactly 4 oz each, which is the perfect size.

this is so fast, SO tasty and provides four literally grab-and-go meals. it works out great for take-to-work lunches and post workout dinners where i'm usually so hungry that a grazing situation is likely to ensue. this stops that from happening because no thought needs to go into what i'm eating for dinner and i don't end up sampling a few things before assembling a good meal and sitting down to eat it. in fact, i find that the less thought i need to put into prepping or making each meal, the less i think about eating in between meals, and the better choices i end up making.

as i write this, i'm thinking of my friend who is having a sleeve gastrectomy tomorrow and is worried about how she'll take care of her little kids while she's healing and get them fed even when she's not eating yet...i'm going to send this idea along to her. i think it (or something like it) could come in handy. good luck v! your new life is waiting...

bravo

 bravo to nordstrom for:

1. their extensive plus size selection.
2. their use of truly plus size models.

a healthy display

 

here's another pic of grocery shopping that makes me proud...thin cakes, roasted sweet potatoes, cooked shrimp, hothouse cucumbers, raspberries and water.

clean, fresh, healthy. it looks good and it feels good.

90 days and beyond

mitchell and i started supreme 90 day last week which is basically a knockoff of p90x. my father in law is going to send us that in a few weeks when he's done with it, so in the meantime we decided to do this. it was $20 at walgreens and is a little different, but same idea.

well, so far i've cried most of the nights we've done it. on one hand, it's utter exhaustion from exertion - walking on the treadmill is no real preparation for this kind of workout. and i think it's also frustration - so many of the exercises i can't do fully - either i don't have the strength yet or it hurts - not burns, actually hurts. my knees are so tender any time i put weight on them, which used to be a daily life problem and isn't anymore. i used to not be able to kneel at all because of the screaming pain. now i can get on my hands and knees to look for an earring back or stray shoes (things mitchell used to have to do for me). but after doing the workout the first night being on my knees repeatedly, they're sore and tender to the touch. and my tailbone, same deal. it's common for people who have lost a lot of weight to have pain in their butt and tailbone (less padding i guess?) so laying on my back and rolling from side to side hurts. i feel like i'm wincing for the whole time we're working out, either from pain or exertion, or both. the way i look in these pictures is exactly how i felt. and how i feel at the thought of going home and doing it all over again tonight.

of course i feel good when it's over - accomplished, spent, like i'm on my way. mostly i feel like i am honestly doing everything i'm supposed to be doing and that's a great feeling. i don't know about endorphins yet, or about ever enjoying this but the truth is, i don't have to like it, i just have to do it. for 90 days and beyond...

ps. these pictures illuminate my need for forehead botox.

why is this night different than all other nights?

so we had seders monday night and last night for passover and we were with my family and mitchell's family, respectively. i thought in advance about what the holiday would be like with my new restrictions. i wondered if i should bring food with me in case...i decided not to, though i did bring dressing packets (great for everyone to have on hand!) since most salad dressings don't work for me (too much sugar).

both days on our drives, i had some cheese (best new trader joe's product - individual brie wheels!) and some nuts so i was fine when we arrived. then while there, i had gefilte fish and a little turkey -- same deal both nights. oh, and some chicken broth, no matzoh balls. i might or might not have been okay tasting the matzoh balls, but it's total carb overload and i didn't want to risk it. and you know, it just didn't feel that important to me.

of course, i got lots of great feedback from people which made me feel great. what made me feel the best was that there wasn't a single chair i couldn't fit into and i didn't have to ask people to get up to let me out to use the bathroom or vice versa. and mitchell and i didn't feel too tightly packed in at the table - i could move my arms on both sides and didn't feel like i was encroaching on anyone else's space.

at the seder, we always end by saying "next year in jerusalem" as a sign of hope and promise. this year, i'll amend that to "next year in a size 12." AMEN! 

pleasure

 

this morning, my boss asked me if i still get pleasure out of eating. my answer was definitely, yes. i do. most of the time, i eat things i like - i make the choice to do that, and not just to see food as fuel and ignore its taste and smell and pleasure. but i'll never get the kind of pleasure that i used to - the breathless anticipation looking forward to a much-loved food, the fantasizing about what i'd order, how it would taste, how it would suspend me in auto-pilot numbness.

leading up to the surgery, i worried a lot about what it would do to me emotionally to lose that, and i wasn't wrong to worry. there have been some dark, sad moments where i've sorely missed that kind of pleasure. the moments have passed, because i let them, and really because what choice do they have?

so that kind of pleasure doesn't happen anymore, and i both miss it AND am okay with it. it's not either or. one feeling doesn't cancel out the other. but i know for sure i would never make a different choice than i made. all kinds of new pleasures await me that chicken lo mein and cupcakes can't deliver.

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6 month surgiversary

day before surgery

 

 2 weeks after surgery

 6 weeks after surgery

  3 months after surgery

6 months after surgery

shopping lists

one of my favorite things about grocery shopping now is the small quantities i buy of things that will last me for a week. while it does pose some challenges, as some things only come in certain quantities, in general it's quite thrilling to know that one piece of chicken or a quarter pound of shrimp will be enough for a couple meals (i generally eat about 4 ounces at a time, and try to make the majority of each meal protein).

i love when all my stuff is at the register and it all looks so wholesome and healthy together. while there are still a few products i want to replace with wholer, more natural options, in general i've been feeling pretty good about what i eat. 

like so many people, i have a limited budget and aim to grocery shop with that in mind. at the same time, i don't eat that much now, so i really believe that what i do eat should be very good quality. places like trader joe's and costco are crucial because they offer high quality at low prices and i coupon where i can, although often it's the junkiest things for which coupons are available, so we stick to using them mainly for household items, health and beauty products, cat food, coffee, etc. though i will say, frozen vegetables are a great coupon item, and they come in handy since often whole, fresh vegetables go bad because of how slowly i use them. plus i don't have to deal with produce pressure.

here are some of my staples...

trader joe's (it's own category since products are exclusive)

frozen turkey meatballs

reduced carb whole wheat tortillas

seaweed snacks

marinara sauce

fresh mozzarella sticks (string cheese)

canned chicken in broth (i use for chicken salad)

cocktail sauce (tj's brand is very low in sugar)

baby brie (cutest things ever!)

protein

oscar mayer deli fresh rotisserie chicken (this is one of those processed ones i want to phase out)

wholly guacamole 100 cal packs (these are good because avocados go bad too quickly and it's not overly seasoned so can be used in many capacities, not just tex mex)

cooked jumbo shrimp

grilled chicken

egg beaters whites

dairy

fage 2% greek yogurt 

feta cheese

laughing cow light garlic & herb 

jarlsberg lite  

skim plus milk (high in protein)

grocery

blue diamond salt and vinegar almonds (for some reason, these aren't a trigger like you'd think they would be)

blue diamond wasabi soy almonds (same here)

suzie's thin cakes in "lightly salted corn" and "corn, quinoa and sesame" (good vehicle for protein)

ak mak crackers (good vehicle for protein)

sabra hummus in classic and supremely spicy (costco sells 16 individual cups of the classic for $6.99!)

hidden valley light ranch dressing

fruits and vegetables

steamfresh vegetables 

lemons (for water)

seedless cucumbers (for hummus or guacamole)

kalamata olives

scallions

dill

do you have products to recommend? i'd love to hear about them!!

happy birthday to me

 

as i turn 32, i weight 110 pounds less than i did when i turned 31. today, my birthday gift is all the things that have changed...all the growing pains, the challenges, the triumphs and wonders, and the fact that i believe there will be many more birthdays to come.

but if i HAD to choose one gift, it would be the gift of having a lap. i honestly can't remember ever having one before, and it's amazing! how handy it comes in on the train...i can rest my bag or my coffee on it, and still be able to move. for the longest time, i didn't have a lap. when i would hold friends' children, they'd have to sit on the very very edge of my knee, and it wasn't comfortable for either of us. this past weekend, we went to the birthday party of our little 2 year old friend and she sat on my lap for the whole day. comfortably. squarely. normally.

i'm obsessed with resting my hands on my thighs when i'm in a seated position in the car or on the train. i feel like there's all this space in between me and the table when i'm seated in a coffee shop or at my desk or at a table...space that was filled before with my body. and now it's just space.

happy birthday to me and the space that's now open for new possibilities.

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