leftovers

so you know how the moment where i have to stop eating is still hard for me sometimes? i had a little revelation this morning...i was having breakfast - turkey bacon, 2 egg whites and half a piece of american cheese on a slice of multi-grain bread. i ate the turkey bacon first (protein first, always) and then i had a bite or two left of the sandwich. i was full. not too full, just done. normally, i have that feeling where i weighed it, and the whole thing was 5 ounces, so why can't i have it? it's mine. 

this morning that wasn't really the feeling, and i felt like that was progress. i felt happy to feel done after a small, reasonable breakfast...the gift of early satiety that the surgery is best loved for. what i felt, though, was more just anxiety about how i'd account for the piece that was left over...if my breakfast was 248 calories and 23g of protein (which it was), then what do i do about the piece i was leaving over? on weight watchers, i would have just removed a point from the grand total number of points, and although i could figure that maybe 30 calories and 3 grams of protein could be shaved off, then how do i denote that in sparkpeople where i calculate my calories and protein? although the 30 or so saved calories doesn't matter much one way or the other, the protein is important to account for accurately. 

as i write this out, i realize this is probably one of two things, if not both: either a mind game because i'm finding a way to cling to that one other piece, or my own hangup on perfection for perfection's sake. as i finish writing this, i felt hungry again for that last piece. i put it in my mouth, and then i spit it out. i wanted to throw that last piece out...needed to. for principle, for progress, for peace of mind. it's in the garbage. 


just also realized a totally separate thought...i think in this instance, the bread acted as a stopper (which it can do, particularly when not toasted which this wasn't) and i actually think it falsely filled me. maybe bread shouldn't be a part of this meal, and i should just focus on the turkey bacon and egg whites.

changing my mind

part of my problem with food and eating has been scarcity mentality, which leads very obviously to binging. it's the feeling that "i might not always have access to this food so i better eat it now while i do." and that meant whether or not i was hungry, whether or not i wanted to be eating, whether or not i even liked what i was eating. i think in many ways it started as a kid because my mother was always concerned about my weight, so i felt watched...when she'd leave the house, it was time to eat! anything, everything, in large, sickening quantities, and fast because i never knew when she'd be back. sometimes, she'd be back much sooner than i expected to get something she forgot, and then the jig was up. i don't blame her...she was concerned, and with good reason. i know she often looks back and wonders what she did wrong, and although it's easy for everyone to play monday morning quarterback, she did what she thought was right, she did it out of love, and i don't blame her. (you hear that momma?)

but long after my mother was watching what i ate, it was the way i behaved. when i got my license, my main source of joy was not that i could cruise around with friends and be free (which i did, and i was), but that i'd have the shameless ability to get myself food - a lot of it. i could drive to a fast food restaurant and up to the drive-thru, not even having to get out of the car to order. i'd order so much that i'd pretend i was ordering it for a crew of people - pretending to the muffled voice on the other end of the speaker, pretending to myself. and then i'd go to another drive-thru and do the same. you don't get to be almost 400 lbs without habits like that...it's not just a sweet tooth that gets you there.

so even now, even when i can no longer physically binge because i've taken away that option, i have to be mindful of the behaviors that drove my binging, and the thought processes that were behind those behaviors - i had a gastric bypass, not a lobotomy. i have to watch the tendency to graze, which i've come to see as a long, slow binge. i have to watch my tendency to want to eat just for eating's sake, which i thought would fade away but hasn't yet...that moment when i know it's enough, but it's still hard to let go of that one ounce that i know could be mine...and i have to be mindful of my mind's ability to play tricks on me...that a whole bag of popcorn could be only 3 or 4 ounces, which i'm allowed to eat, volume-wise, but that that doesn't mean that i should eat the whole bag of popcorn, behavior-wise.

a lot of times, the old behavior comes from a good place, from wanting to do the right thing. it has always come from a good place - it was to make myself happy, comfortable and soothed. if we had a way to give that to ourselves or anyone else we loved, wouldn't we want to? it's the kind of love that hurts on the back-end.

here's an example of today's good intentions leading to yesterday's behavior... i want desperately to be off of artificial sweeteners, but i can't have sugar and i want to be able to eat sweet things once in a while. last week on my lovely farmers market outing, i discovered a fresh apple muffin that had no sugar ... it was sweetened only with apples and had oats and whole wheat flour, and was utterly delicious. upon realizing how much i liked it, and how it could totally replace junky snacks like this and this, my immediate thought was "so i should stock up on these every wednesday at the farmers market." 

as i thought through the plan, i realized quickly that part of what was so good about the muffin was that it was really soft and fresh, and that by the next day when i went to have the other half, it had already lost that, so two days or three days after buying it would be even less fresh...of course i explored that i could freeze them, refrigerate them, etc. but then it hit me - i should buy one on wednesday and have half of it and then save the other half in the fridge or freezer or give it to someone else to enjoy. and that's it. i don't have to eat it EVERY day. i don't have to STOCK UP. it can be something i have once in a while. and i can get to a place where my mind can change, and where that type of scarcity will be okay with me.

food for the soul

as i learn more and more about organic food and farming and our country's industrial food system, i become more and more impassioned about eating whole, healthy, natural foods, and so shopping at a farmers market, which was always appealing and feel-good to me, has become nourishing in a totally different and ever-evolving way. i feel like moving to the country and living and working in a way that honors the sun and the soil and the water and animals and plants and farm workers as well as the consumers and the society that supports it. but alas, there are billions of words written on those exact thoughts and feelings, and in some ways i take comfort in knowing there's a certain universality to those values and feelings. the best i can do is to live my non-country life in a way that honors those values, and so i've begun to do that in the very large majority of the way i shop and eat - farmers markets, whole foods, trader joe's, organic when possible, fresh and local almost always. see my ode to tomatoes from yesterday, which were in utter explosion mode at the farmers market today. of course there are a few straggling processed foods i still support - sweet and low (my main source of guilt and shame in life), sugar free foods, protein shakes and bars, etc. 

ANYWAY...i had an almost out-of-body happiness this morning at the farmers market near my office as i inhaled the sights, sounds and scents of a bustling market filled with gorgeous, fresh produce and dairy, the people who grow and pick and transport them, and a disparate collection of people who value the whole cycle. i was walking around smiling strangely, perusing all the items and deciding what i'd buy and from which stand. 

one of the things that's really lovely about having a very small stomach is that i don't need much food (sounds funny, doesn't it?), so i can buy really high quality foods in small quantities. this works out emotionally too, because i feel really good about buying the best food i can afford. one of the strange points made in one of the documentaries i've been watching (i think it was this one, though it could have been this one too, both of which should be on your queue immediately) is that americans spend much less on our food than other countries...which is sort of ridiculous since it's what we're putting in our bodies, and we only get one body. 

 

so i spent $12, and i got a real abundance of things to use over the next several days. i tried to buy some a little less ripe after confirming with the seller that they would ripen on the countertop...this way, i don't feel produce pressure immediately and can use them in waves, though all in the next couple days so i don't defeat the purpose of buying fresh and local. i got 2 beautiful green peppers and a white pepper (first time i've seen those!) which are supposed to be sweet, like red and yellow ones. i also got a bunch of radishes to dice up into salads, inspired by the healthy 8 from trader joe's. then i got a 1/4 pound of salad mix which i'm going to try adding to my lettuce-less shrimp and chicken salads, 2 teeny tiny plums, 2 donut peaches, an apple, a container of amazing looking cherry tomatoes in many colors, and a no sugar apple muffin...sweetened not with chemicals or sugar, but with apples and a touch of organic agave nectar. if it's good, and if i feel okay after eating a piece of it, it could be a great alternative to junky sugar free snacks that make me feel guilty (and sometimes gassy) because they're made of things that are not, or should not be, food.

the thing that made me smile the most was the sight of little babies, sleeping in strollers being walked around the farmers market. they're too young to make their own choices obviously, but the people making their choices for them seem to be doing it thoughtfully just by being at the market and not at the bodega or the grocery store around the corner, and they're doing something wonderful by bringing them there...even if they're sleeping, even if it's years before they know what arugula is or how to pronounce radicchio. it means something, even at their early age, to be there and be involved in the process. if you like this idea, read this inspiring interview. 


i'm hopeful that values about how and what we eat can sink in through a form of childhood osmosis, because it's something i really want to pass on to my own eventual children one day. the thing that leaves me wondering is why it didn't happen earlier on for me, someone who was lucky enough to have healthy-living parents with a sense of moderation and balance, who always worked hard at their own fitness and bodies...they did everything right in that regard. wow, that just became a downer. nah, not really a downer...it's all an evolution and i'm happy to be where i am, today.

bad medicine

the other day, a friend needed a recommendation for an orthopedist in the city and fast. i told him that i had one, but that he was a jerk on a personal level. he said he didn't care about that, and then he asked for the story and here it is:

about a year ago, i was having problems with my right hip which was just constantly hurting. as i often did, i assumed it was weight-related and figured it would get better when i lost weight so why seek medical attention? don't worry, this doesn't end badly, it really was weight related and nothing horrifying, but eventually the pain got bad enough that i figured i needed some relief and scheduled an appointment with an orthopedist i'd seen before. he took x-rays and determined that it was a little arthritis and prescribed an anti-inflammatory. because i was so used to doctors telling me i needed to lose weight, and because i was already scheduled for my surgery and armed with a plan, i felt the need to tell him right away that i knew it was probably weight-related and that i was going to be having the surgery, etc. i was so used to being on the defense in medical situations that i was happy to, for once, have a confident plan to lead the conversation with rather than “well i rejoined weight watchers and…” but in spite of my confident plan, this doctor managed to stun and shame me anyway. he was unmoved by my announcement of the surgery and my looking forward to it and instead pursued his own line of questioning.

doctor: so how long have you been this size?

me: well i've been in this general area for many years...since college i guess, but heavy in high school too.

doctor: wow.

me: yeah, so the surgery really feels like the right choice for me.

doctor: so what do you, just eat a lot?

me: um, yeah i guess. but its a little more complicated than that…
 

doctor: i mean, i can understand sometimes you just want to keep eating and (makes piggish noises and a shoveling motion with his hands to his mouth) but i mean, you have to just stop yourself.

me: (almost speechless) yeah i mean, like i said it's not as simple as what you're saying. i mean, i've done lots of reading and i'm in therapy and it’s a disorder even though many people don’t understand that, and --

doctor: okay well good seeing you. good luck, i'll see you again after you've finished the anti-inflammatory. take care.

when i told mitchell this story, he was infuriated and shocked, but i sadly wasn’t. i was used to this kind of treatment from doctors and other people alike, though admittedly, this time did seem particularly brutal. the truth is that many studies show that obese people receive the absolute worst medical care for two reasons – first, because doctors often blanketly assume that ailments are weight related (as do obese patients). though they often are, or certainly are exacerbated by weight, it sometimes causes patients and doctors alike to ignore symptoms that should be further explored because they’ve assumed the obvious, visible answer. and secondly, because some doctors, like some laypeople, are repulsed by obesity and see obese patients as lazy, lacking self-control and piggish. how can you care for someone in a respectful, responsible way when that’s what you think of them?

and the obvious other factor is that when people are treated this way and shamed by their doctors, it takes an awful lot to push through those feelings and drag yourself there when something hurts, especially when it’s something you know your weight affects. i didn't go back to the doctor after i finished my prescription. and my friend who didn't care that he was a jerk went and saw him and thought he was a jerk. shocker.

mama got some new threads

as i've lost weight, i've bought just a few items here and there as my own wardrobe has dwindled, trying my best to have as much tailored as was worth it. in the process, i've gotten so much pleasure out of donating my clothes - many of them in excellent condition and of high quality - to women in need, especially with the understanding that plus size clothes are often the most in demand in low income households for reasons pretty easy to understand - specialty stores are generally less accessible, hand-me-downs don't often work when the receiver is a size 30 or 32 like i was. so it brings me a lot of happiness to distribute those items around. sidenote...i have a friend who works for the city, and right before thanksgiving a few years ago, she called me very sensitively asking for clothes for a woman who was fleeing an abusive situation. i was the only person my friend knew whose clothes might fit this woman. for one of the only moments in my life, i felt blessed to be the size i was that day, if only to be able to help that woman.

but i digress...bottom line, i needed some new clothes. i'm so loathe to spend money on things right now, knowing that very quickly they'll be too big, and too big means unflattering i'm quickly learning. at this point, things that are maybe a tad small are actually more flattering than things that are a tad too big, perhaps because they show my smaller size more accurately than anything drapey or droopy does. but mitchell encouraged me to pick up a few items wisely, with coupons, on sale if need be, but to do it. i forced myself to, figuring i've been working very hard and deserve to feel good in what i'm wearing. i bought all but one item in a 14/16 (WHAT???) and it occurred to me that this might be one of my final trips to my trusty avenue that's been so convenient, right around the corner from my office all these years. good problem to have. where will i go now? i still feel like if i were to walk into the gap or a similarly "normal" store, the staff would be thinking "oh no, honey, we don't carry your size..."

here's what i got:

  

this top in both a deep navy and black, neither of which is shown online,  

this tee in black to wear under cardigans, jackets, etc. the sleeves are far too short to wear alone, but it was under $5 on clearance and i'll basically just treat it like a tank. also,

this cardigan in black which i really love. it was the only thing i got in an 18/20 because i liked the way it looked. i think i'm going to have my tailor add a little hook and eye closure to the front to make it more fitted, but the 14/16 didn't look as generous or as pretty on.

then i got this cardigan too, also in black, because it's a very different style than the other, and i truly feel like having two very different, lightweight black cardigans will make my wardrobe life a million times better right now.

today is a good day, and i have reason tomorrow will be too, since i won't have to argue with a closet full of ill-fitting, too bulky or not-quite-the-right-size garments.

the weigh it is

i always remember in weight watchers people saying how important it was to weigh and measure all the time for a few reasons...even when eating at home, eating the same bowl of cereal or cottage cheese or whatever every day, that portion can grow from day to day if you're not keeping it in check by measuring it regularly. i remember my leader suggesting that even if it wasn't practical to weigh every meal and snack every day, to be sure and measure each of your staples at least once a week to keep the visual fresh in your mind of what an ounce or a cup looks and feels like. the other great reason for measuring when at home is that it makes you that much better at estimating when you're not at home.when weight watchers worked for me (and it did work for me), i was very diligent about weighing and measuring and just submitted to it as a way of life.

for me, even though it's not as much about the calories at this point as someone on a "diet," per se, it's just as important to weigh and measure. although my stomach's small size will stop me from eating too much in one sitting in any significant way, it would not stop me from eating an ounce or two or even three over the 4-6 ounces i'm supposed to stick to, especially if it's a food that goes down easier which tend to be the highest calorie and fat foods, lucky me. if i eat more than 4-6 ounces in one sitting often, and certainly with any kind of regularity, my pouch will stretch and small amounts of food will no longer fill me -- pouch stretchage is one of the main reasons for weight regain in WLS patients. so my solution is to weigh whenever i can - i have a scale at home, and i'm not afraid to admit i have one at work too. 

today's lunch* weighed in at exactly 6 ounces, which tells me i was probably a little on the hungry side when i was preparing it. the bowl felt heavy to me, and i was a little nervous to weigh it. why? because if it were over 6 ounces, i would have had to put some back, and that moment is still amazingly hard for me. it's MINE and i don't like when it's taken away. i pay close attention how i'm feeling anytime i eat and force myself to stop if i'm feeling full, but i am particularly mindful of that potential when i'm eating an amount that's at the top of my range, like today. today's lunch felt perfectly filling, and i think incidentally, the warmth was a nice touch. LOL. i find that different temperature foods make my pouch and my satiety levels feel different, and these past few days, hot food has been working.

*the strangely unappetizing looking meal you see here was actually quite delicious and was as follows: 2 trader joe's turkey meatballs, about 1/3 cup quinoa with roasted vegetables and 2 tbsp shredded parmesan cheese, all melted together.

the long, slow binge

one of the reasons why gastric bypass surgery was so right for me is that binging has always been at the core of my problem, and the surgery makes it literally impossible to binge. i am totally certain every day that my ability to binge needed to be removed so that i could heal and recover from what is most certainly an addiction, a disorder, an illness. i often liken it to a drug addict who needs to be forcibly removed from drugs in order to withdraw and participate in any kind of meaningful therapy or healing or recovery. it's the exact same thing with binging for me. although the obvious metaphor for the drug is food, it's not so for me. my drug was never food, it was binging. i realized in the road leading to my surgery as i explored why it was so hard to let go of food in that way, that i was not addicted to food...i was addicting to eating -- to the sheer, merciful, numbing act of eating. binging was the ultimate form of eating...stuffing myself so full and often so fast that it was a total paralysis...in the best, and worst, of ways. so when people ask if i miss food...i don't. there isn't a single food i truly, truly miss. pizza smells good sometimes, bagels sound delicious. but it's not temptation, and there's no sadness. what i do miss is the way the food made me feel and what it did for me. clearly it did a lot of things that weren't so great too, but it worked. i don't think i would have done it for so long that way if it hadn't.

so i can't binge. and thank god. as grandmothers everywhere would say...kenahara. AND HOW. 

what i can do, though, is graze which is basically a long, slow binge. one of the cardinal rules of weight loss surgery success (and probably with any weight loss success, period) is not to  graze. several small meals a day, yes. snacking throughout the day, NO. i'm learning i have to be careful not to do this, because the few times i have found myself eating a little here and there, i've found that it's a way to numb myself just a little here and there. it's in no way the way it was before, and definitely doesn't achieve the same wonderful, horrible effect, but it does it's own kind of work, and i've learned quickly to be mindful of it. 

so much of the appeal of the binge was the anticipation...the looking forward to it, the mental rehearsing, the blissful moments right before, and then the moments of actual consumption...of course afterwards it was all downhill, but that didn't seem to matter. so if you look at those components..the anticipation, the mental rehearsing, the moments of actual consumption...they all exist in grazing, and can exist every hour on the hour since i can only eat a little at a time. i could see how a binger could become a grazer...it's like beating the system and it's not okay for a few reasons...first, because you could easily consume enough calories to GAIN weight rather than lose, even with a stomach the size of an egg. and second, and most importantly, because it's not a behavior and a need i want to allow forever. 

i need to learn to make choices...if i'm in the mood for a pb&j and also a shrimp and veggie salad, i have to be okay with choosing only one, not choosing instead to have the shrimp salad now and have a taste of peanut butter later. even if it's calorically okay for me, it's not behaviorally okay. 

it's a long fucking road.

showers of happiness

we had a bridal shower for my sister the other day and aside from the fact that i felt great in my fab caftan with everyone's sweet compliments, it was an amazing experience to run an event as i have so many times and to be on my feet going and doing for 12 hours straight and NOT feel like i was going to pass out. back then, my ankles and knees and back would be screaming in pain and i'd give my first born to sit down, but in most cases, i'd soldier through - part denial, part stubbornness and part passion for what i was going.

experiences like that are the type that although i'd be loving them in my former life, they'd also be physically hurting me in a way that felt like pain and shame and sadness. i'd rarely let on that that was the way i felt, but i think those closest to me always knew and were concerned about me in those moments. on sunday at the shower and afterwards, my mom and my sister kept asking me to sit down and take a rest the way they used to, but i really didn't need a rest. i felt really good.

9 month surgiversary

today is my 9 month surgiversary and i'm feeling great. here were some milestones from my checkup yesterday. 

-blood pressure - 136 over 83

-my pulse was 56 - an "athletic pulse" - WHAT?

-27 lbs down from my last checkup at 6 months putting me at 135 down total

-dr. b and sophie (PA) said i'm doing "phenomenally" (love that word). it was the first time dr. b seemed impressed with me :) it's hard for him to be impressed because this is what he does every day. his happiness made me very proud.

sophie said how glad she was to hear me talking about the behavior and my awareness of different trigger foods,etc. she said "i know you know this, but i want you to hear me say it...this is what is going to get you to your target weight and keep you there." i do know it, but it was important to hear her say it. it made me feel like i can trust myself that i will get there and stay there. it's scary to trust myself that way.

also to note, my plateau has ended and i've lost another 10 lbs. OBVIOUSLY the gym. DAMMIT.

i was really glad that even with my almost month-long plateau, my weight loss for the three month period since my last checkup was exactly on target for this point in the game, so i made up for the plateau in the other two months.

life is good.

a short update

one of the things i notice most in my daily life now is how much less space i take up. i'm not in everyone's way all the time anymore. i have so much more to share and am going to take lots of time over the weekend to write it all down. but that's the thing i'm feeling most this morning. not always having to say "excuse me" and "sorry" for being in peoples' way. even though i tried my best not to feel apologetic for my size, that feeling was woven into everything.

i've still been waking up at 5 to work out. feels really good. and this morning, i was willing myself to just go back into the air conditioned comfort of slumber, but my mind wouldn't let me. it just kept telling me it was time to get up and work out. so i did.

lots more next week, i promise.