don't know

last night was a doozy...i ate my healthy chicken dinner and then i was having a hard time waiting for dessert which was a sugar free chocolate muffin (see the lesson i thought i learned here about sugar free treats).

i decided that even though it had been less than an hour since dinner, i would have dessert. eating less than three hours apart is considered grazing and i'm not supposed to do it. while grazing won't stretch my pouch the way overeating in one sitting will, it’s a bad habit and it makes it easy to take in too many calories throughout the day. the small size of my pouch only stops me from eating a lot in one sitting - it wouldn't stop me from eating a little every hour on the hour and we all know that's not good news for weight loss. but i digress...

so imagine having the thanksgiving dinner feeling but all in your esophagus/throat. that's what i had last night after a couple bites of that muffin. thank god i stopped when i did - not because another 20 or 30 calories would have killed me but because of how sick i would have felt if i had. as it was, i was utterly miserable for an hour or so until i guess i digested a little. i threw up a little which helped (sorry if that grosses you out, though it’s important to note here that for most weight loss surgery patients, throwing up is not what you imagine since we have no stomach acid so its not as gross). i also took a sublingual B12 which i find helps speed digestion sometimes and I need to take it every other day anyway (two birds with one stone).

so as i recovered, sitting very still with my cat, i thought about a lot:

-it’s crazy that so little food created that feeling. reminds me of how much i was physically altered that 3 or 4 oz of chicken and a couple bites of a muffin an hour later would fill me to the brim and beyond. and that makes me think about the damage i would have done without my restriction - about what i would have eaten (and did eat) to bring me to that point of sick fullness pre-surgery time and time again - pounds of pasta, whole pizzas, chinese food to feed a family...

-it made me think about why i brought that kind of food into the house again after i thought i learned the trick of sweet foods for me. 

-it also made me think about why i needed that muffin so badly? i wasn't hungry. i knew it would be there in the morning, so why? people say "nothing tastes as good as thin feels" and i am experiencing every day how good thin(ner) feels, but the weird, sad, confusing reality is that although nothing does taste as good as thin feels, it doesn’t always stop a food addict from eating.

why? i don't know.