have a seat

chairs have always been a big deal for me...will i fit? will they be comfortable? will i have to make a scene getting in or our of an ill-fitting chair or one that's too close to the table? i would regularly arrive at gatherings early to scope out the chair situation, if i didn't call ahead or scour the restaurant's website for pictures of the dining room so i'd be forewarned. i became comfortable asking for a table over a booth (generally speaking, booths have been out of the question for years) or asking for a chair without arms (chairs with arms, pretty much a never).

so recently when my boss wanted to take a few of us out to lunch, i went through the usual mental process...where can we go that i'll be comfortable? should i plan to meet them there or take the chance of being embarrassed in front of them all? i think i was forgetting how my body has changed. even though i know, i don't always KNOW.

we decided where we'd go, and luckily, i walk by that restaurant every day when i walk to work from penn station. one day, i got up the nerve to try to sit in one of the chairs...i didn't want to make a scene in the early morning traffic, but i desperately wanted - needed - to know if we'd be able to sit outside in one of them on one of the first glorious days of spring. the chairs still looked small, and the armrests still looked punishing and restrictive. i told myself that if i didn't fit yet it was okay, that i had made such strides already and it would only be a matter of time before this milestone was under my belt too.

I FIT! comfortably, with space on either side! i was smiling from ear to ear and didn't care if i was making a scene at that moment. it felt good. the cold metal felt inviting and congratulatory, not punishing and insulting as it had for so long.

when we went to lunch that day, much to my dismay, it was decided that we'd eat inside instead of outside, which meant that the chairs were not to be. instead, i felt a familiar sense of dread rising in me as we were led to a tight-looking booth. A BOOTH?!?! that i hadn't accounted for. i hadn't done a test-drive. i should have come earlier and assessed...or called ahead...oh god.

i fit. 

i'll tell you, it wasn't entirely comfortable - my breasts were almost touching the strangely-high table. i'll get there though, and like i was prepared to tell myself before, that milestone will be under my belt before long.