day 6 of pre-op liquid diet

i think the reason its been so hard - or one of the reasons - is that i've started to make eating a more central part of my daily life again by making vegetable soup for dinner, rather than just the shakes and some carrots or jello if i'm hungry. and i think eating the soup and more than eating it, knowing it's there and looking forward to it, it's making it worse.

iisolated at least one feeling this evening. anger. and there's no one to be angry at so it becomes anger towards myself, and although i don't readily feel that way, it didn't take long to arrive at why i might be - i think i'm angry, on some level, that i allowed myself to get into a situation where i have so few options. when my cravings and sadness was at a peak today as I got off the train, i found myself looking around at everyone and felt so jealous that they don't have to do what i have to do.

today was a hard day. day six, three days after the point where its supposed to get easier. actually, i wasn't hungry at all until today. although i was tired and sort of low energy all along, i was remarkably not hungry, and i was sort of wondering if i was getting off easy. then today came and i started off the day with a protein drink instead of a protein shake, and it made me not feel well and i didn't finish it and from then on i felt sick and hungry. i feel satisfied again now, after lots of vegetables and another protein shake, but the horrible, empty feelings came back like an old frenemy. all i could think about was food and i felt sad and scared that i would never have it the way i wanted it again. how depressing. then i cried hysterically in the car when mitchell picked me up and i think i feel a little better right now. looking forward to bed, and hoping that i don't feel scared and alone in the middle of the night.

technical difficulties

i really thought the hardest part was over since i felt so much better today. but the cravings are getting stronger and about ten minutes ago i found myself wondering if i was going to be able to survive this period - the lead-up to the surgery.

mitchell, himself feeling weak right now, did the exact wrong thing by asking if i thought having one meal tonight would help me to be able to move past the cravings, so of course that sent my mind spinning into a world it doesn't belong right now...sushi, pizza, chinese food. just the thought of even "just one meal" makes me angry at myself - how could i do that? although it kind of sucks, right now what would stop me is the idea that when people ask me how it's going, i'd have to lie if i said I've been on liquids since wednesday. very similar to when i quit smoking, the thought that if i went back, even for one, i would lose all the days of being smoke-free that i was so proud of.

i think the thing killing me about this horrible challenge mitchell unwittingly posed is that technically, it would be okay because tomorrow marks the two week mark, which is the official date by which I need to be on all liquids. but for me, that date was a week ago tomorrow because that's what Dr. B told me to do. so technically nothing. i have to rise above this. this is the moment i have to make it happen. i need to go into the surgery knowing in my soul that i did everything I was supposed to do.

what would ordering pizza get me tonight? reflux, a headache at 4 AM and a sinking feeling that i am not who i think i am. it's over, this nonsense. i'm not losing to that voice.

loopty loop

i've felt distinctly one way the last couple days, as i approach tomorrow, the day the liquids start (sounds biblical, doesn't it?) i feel like i'm on the slow, steady ride up a rollercoaster...i sort of know what's going to happen when i get to the top, but also have no idea. any doubts and fears i have are in vain now, because it's too late to change course. of course if i really changed my mind i could, but there's not a chance in hell that's happening. i know what i need to do, and i'm doing it. in that way, it reminds me of a feeling i've had before...

in the days leading up to when i quit smoking four and a half years ago, i had almost the exact same feelings i have right now - excited, nervous, in a little bit of disbelief, and totally unclear on how i was about to do what i was about to do. but in this case too, although i don't know exactly how i'm going to do it, i know i'm going to, with a great, strong, proud certainty. i won't know exactly how until i get there, and i'm done trying to scramble for ways to fully embrace and immerse myself in what is about to be - because i've accepted that where i stand today, i haven't a chance of doing that. i'll only know once i get there, so off i go.

a reminder to my future self

if at some point i'm feeling depressed about not having food to use the way i always have, i am hoping i can remember how trapped i often felt by my desire to eat. of course i feel trapped by my size and my limitations, the judgements of others and the hopelessness i've sometimes felt, but i've also felt trapped by the desire itself. it's something that's almost always there, and especially recently, it's there even when i don't want it to be, when i'm not taking pleasure in it anymore. where are i am with this disorder at this moment in time feels the way it must feel to be on a thrill ride and decide you want to get off before it goes upside down. it's been so many years since i've been on a ride like that - so many years since i could fit in an amusement park ride, exactly 4 years since i've even tried.

there are times these days, especially leading up to the surgery, that i'm tired and i want to go to bed early, but then when would i eat the thing i've been looking forward to? or on a weekend day, i want to take a nap and lounge around without stress about the time, but i always find myself aware of it because i want to make sure i have enough time to have dinner -- would never want to miss a meal! -- and then stay awake digesting so my reflux doesn't act up when i recline to go to bed.

i look forward to wednesday when i start on liquids, and to every day after that when i am not a slave to food. i'm not fooling myself in thinking that i will always welcome this absence. but where i stand at the moment, i can't wait to be free of feeling compelled to eat, whether i'm hungry or not sometimes, and have a schedule and a flow of time that has nothing to do with it. i want to remember the feeling of being weighed down when i want to feel light, and remember that it is a gift i'm being given to move towards always feeling that lightness of being.

i'm also not fooling myself in thinking that the surgery is a magic bullet in any way. all the factors that made my relationship with food a miswired, toxic one will still be with me, and i will need to find new ways of coping with feelings i don't want. i know all this, and the work i've done over the last couple of years has helped me form a foundation on which to build a healthier path. but i also think it's one of those things where the physical change of the surgery is the first chapter - the inability to use the food in that way has to come first. if i were able to impose that behavior change on myself to create long-lasting change, i would have done it already, i know that for sure.

when i no longer have the frenemy that food has been, i will be forced to cope in other ways, and my commitment and dedication to understanding and change, my commitment to life really, will help me process it and make it real. make it who i am.

i have to think all this is true. because it makes sense, and because what's the alternative?

just do it

the support group tonight was a good, long one. the post-op people had some great stuff to say, and i want to make sure i remember it all. of course i took notes on all the pre-op instructions and the tips they had, but the overarching messages of hope and strength are what i really need to remember and carry with me.

julie, the unbelievably successful woman who has lost 260 lbs since her surgery about two and a half years ago really stressed how she follows all the rules. she said she's does everything to the letter and that she has a four bite rule. the first bite is to see if its good, and worth it. the second bite is to make sure it's good. the third bite is to really savor and enjoy it, and the fourth is the last, i guess to say goodbye. she said she almost never makes it to the second bite.

there was another woman there who went skydiving with her daughter after having the bypass just over a year ago. she said this to all the pre-op people: whatever you're wrestling with, whichever procedure you're considering, just do it. do it.

i'm doing it.

end of the line

i'm struggling - i feel like i can't stop eating. and i know it's related to the fact that in two weeks, i can't eat anymore (all liquids for 3 weeks pre and 4 weeks post surgery) and then obviously everything will be different. i'm so excited about the surgery and i know its going to be great but i guess i'm also sort of mourning the loss of my friend.

every time i have a craving, i tell myself "well, this will probably be the last time i can have this" and so i give myself permission. on one hand, i feel so guilty about it because this is the worst time to be regressing and makes me feel like i'm not ready for this change. but on the other hand, i feel like it's understandable and i don't want to fight myself on it too hard because i don't want to enter the liquid phase feeling deprived.

i know i need to stop, i keep on telling myself that but then i do it all over again. i just feel depressed and weak when i want to feel excited and strong.