let's talk about summer salads.

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ghost of cravings past

this image stopped my in my tracks when cruising around the web...first, because it looks amazing. but second, because it is exactly the kind of meal i would have craved and looked forward to pre-surgery. i loooooved pasta, and in extraordinarily large quantities. i would boil a pound and a half of pasta and have it all to myself, with butter and salt and many times, additional bread soaked in butter and garlic. it was cheap, it was easy and it was exactly the kind of dense comfort food that made me happy. until it didn't, i guess. now when i look at it, while i do think it looks delicious, i have no desire to eat it. i have no urge, no craving, no power beyond my own that makes me think i could eat it, or bargain with myself to allow it.

interestingly, pasta is one of the things that i NEVER crave now, and i think it's largely because i don't eat it. as i've often heard people say about carbs, they create cravings, and in that vein, i think without having eaten pasta in more than eight months, that craving has died. i wonder if it will ever come back. most post-ops don't ever eat pasta - too dense, too high in carbs, acts like a stopper in our tiny stomachs. there exist multigrain pastas which would be a little better, and protein pasta which i guess would fill a desire for it, but i hope i never feel that urge too strongly. i think it was my former self that ate pasta like i did...i don't think this self wants it.

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what i'm loving this morning

• i walk straight through the subway turnstiles now, rather than having to turn to the side and shimmy through. every time i do it (3-4 times daily), i feel a thrill
• i don't have to squeeze into the bathroom stall at work to make the door close. i used to feel embarrassed by how i had to maneuver in and out so i would wait until no one was there to see me do it. that means i spent many minutes of my life simmering in shame, waiting.

gym update, part 2

i have been terrible about updating with my gym progress, but not terrible about going to the gym, so there's that! i went another 2 times after i wrote last and did the whole circuit again, with the exception of three machines that mitchell thinks i should skip. they were abs (he says i don't want to build that part up right now while i'm still losing a lot in that area, and that the other workouts i'm doing are working out my abs too), back extension and lateral raise (easy to hurt yourself if the form isn't totally perfect and best to do with a trainer or spotter until i am a pro at it). and ps, the back extension one hurt my tailbone so much with the way i had to sit and the movement it required that i'm not too sad to see it go.

so here's what i did on the circuit the first time, subsequent times and what i'm building from for the future.

--leg press - 50 lbs 20 reps 
--leg extension - 50 lbs 15 reps (increased to 20 reps)

--seated leg curl - 50 lbs 10 ..reps* (increased to 21 reps)
--glute - 50 lbs 10 reps each leg (increased to 12 reps)
--calf - 50 lbs 20 reps (increased to 80 lbs, 21 reps)
--back extension - 50 lbs 20 reps - eliminated
--chest press - 30 lbs 10 reps* (increased to 13 reps)
--overheard press - 30 lbs 10 reps*
--lateral raise - 50 lbs 15 reps - eliminated
--pulldown - 45 lbs 20 reps 

--row - 50 lbs 12 reps (increased to 15 reps)
--arm extension 40 lbs 10 reps*
--arm curl 10 lbs 15 reps (for some reason, could not do this the second and third times around - did 20 reps with no weight just to get used to the motion)
--abdominal - 50 lbs 10 reps - eliminated

* particularly hard 

just as i was getting into the groove, my 7 day free trial ended.  so i'm exploring a month-to-month membership since we're planning on moving after the summer.  

overall, even though i hated going to the gym, it was really great having it so close by, and i really did feel amazing afterwards and generally about the fact that i had done it. i think the circuit also makes it feel doable - it's one of those "tell me what to do and i'll do it" things that i tend to like, especially when something is new. of course the most valuable things are the things we learn on our own, but i know for me, i find that notion overwhelming when i'm at the beginning of something, so the presence of some guidance and direction goes a long way for me.

smart reader aimee pointed out that the feeling of being at the beginning of something is often what makes it feel so bad, and that without a regular gym routine, you're kind of always at the beginning of it. that thought hooks on to my feeling that i wasn't sticking with any one thing consistently enough to really get into the routine, and most really good gym people swear by routine.

gym update

okay, so...as i said i would, i am checking in about my gym progress. 

saturday

i dragged myself there saturday morning, valet parked, got my free trial validated, took a tour of the large, impressive gym and did 15 minutes on the treadmill. the idea is that i'm easing (but quickly) into doing 25.

sunday

realllllly didn't want to go. if i hadn't told you i'd report about my progress, i probably wouldn't have gone. it was guilt that dragged me there, 100 percent. my plan was to go and do weights (they have a very large circuit) and then go for a powerwalk outside once i got home. i needed to think i wouldn't have to do cardio there too, otherwise i wouldn't have gone. as my mom said "this is the hard work." and hard it is. it depressed me all day that i had to go. i know one solution is to go first thing in the morning but i couldn't bring myself to leave the house if that's where i was going first. i don't think i realized quite how much i hated it until yeserday.

i went, i did the whole circuit, writing down all my weights and number of reps so i have something to build on. it wasn't so bad. then i figured i was there already so i got on the treadmill and did 17 minutes, continuing to work up to 25. i felt really good leaving.

monday

went for a 25 minute powerwalk outside this morning at 5:45. everything aches with soreness, but i feel really good about it.

packmule mondays

mondays always find me with at least two heavy bags, one on each shoulder, as i make my way through the morning commute. it's because on mondays, i bring in all the breakfast, lunch, snacks and shakes i need for the week ahead (most of which i prepare on sundays).

although it makes for an annoying commute for sure, it means that i'm not leaving things up to chance, a lesson my therapist carrie taught me a long time ago when the plan of choice was weight watchers and it was about having zero points snacks on hand for when the dreaded (and fantasized about) cupcakes ended up in the kitchen at my office. these days, not leaving it to chance means i need to know i have what i know i need...high protein foods, foods i know i tolerate well and foods i know the calorie count on. by getting it all together on sunday, i know i have things properly portioned and weighed so that my meals and snacks are no-brainers during the week. it's a worthy trade-off for the time on sunday and the heavy commute on monday.

today i brought:

-three 1 oz portions of jarslberg

-three 1 oz portions of asiago

-container of seedless grapes

-five 3 oz portions of scrambled eggs and egg whites

-one package of turkey bacon which i cooked yesterday (shadybrook farms reheats very nicely, i find)

-one package of sliced turkey breast

-lightly salted corn thin cakes

-three ready to drink protein shakes

-one bag of sliced cucumbers

-one bag of grape tomatoes

-container of low fat sour cream onion dip

yes, it was all really heavy, but now i don't have to worry about it for the rest of the week. the only thing that could improve matters would be a town car to bring me and my luggage in on monday mornings.

at a scalemate

for the first time in this process, i'm frustrated with the scale. it hasn't moved in about 2 weeks. on some level, i know my body has to catch up with a 125 pound weight loss in 8 months, and on another level, i know that my 2 week exercise hiatus is over. over. done. later. goodbye. i think it started as a "i have a crazy week and i need to take it easy because my body is tired" and then just turned into a bad habit. like they've always said, they fix your stomach but they don't touch your mind.

to mix things up, i'm going to try a 7 day free trial at this gym. god i hate exercising. i want to be one of those people who falls in love with it...positive addiction. mitchell and tried to do the poor man's p90x but it was honestly too intense for me. it made me dread working out, so i've been trying to do my own cocktail of cardio and weights but it's not working. which is to say, i'm not doing it enough. 

i don't have to like it, i just have to do it. i know, without a doubt, that it's the true key to long term success - for everyone, but especially for WLS patients.  to ensure that i make this a true habit (which, i realize, without doing that, i'll never even have the chance to get addicted to it), i'm going to check in here EVERY DAY with what exercise i've done. accountability. oy. 

HIATUS IS OVER.

fit like a glove

i have so much to share from this past weekend about new experiences in this new life, but i have only a few minutes so the long post will have to wait. in the meantime, i wanted to share two pictures from my weekend trip. 

for the first time in i don't know how long, a hotel bathrobe fit me, and fit me well. it's hard to overstate the excitement of that moment for me. there's so much about it that feels significant.

and only a few steps from the robe was the very bathtub mitchell and i tried to enjoy together on one weekend trip there. aside from each of our own body shame in that moment, there was also the physical challenges of us both being in that tub and getting out was dangerous and scary. a little funny (at least now we half-laugh about it), but it was a bad moment. as the water drained out, it acted as suction and we literally couldn't get out. we struggled for several minutes to maintain a firm footing on the slippery tub while getting out one a time. 

it's not a good memory and a visual i wish i could erase on one hand for how awkward and unflattering and shameful it all felt. on the other hand, i want never to forget it so i always remember where we've come from.

before and after

i came across some pictures of me and mitchell from two summers ago...they made me sad, because i could feel how bloated and uncomfortable and unhealthy we both were. i much prefer the pictures we took this past week.