mind your business

i'm getting really irritated with everyone being so involved in what i'm eating and my progress. i don't feel that way all the time, but i'm feeling that way right now. and i feel like it's my own doing by being so open about the whole process, and mainly, i'm glad i am. but i just feel very on display right now (shout out to melissa gorga fans). 

it's mostly at work, in the kitchen as i'm assembling my meals. "what's that?" or "that smells good, what is it?" or ..."so you can eat stuff like that?" or "so what is it, a high protein diet you're on?" sometimes there's "you always have such colorful looking meals" or "so how many pounds down is it now?" i know everyone means well, but sometimes i just feel like STOP LOOKING AT ME. STOP COMMENTING ON MY FOOD. you'd think people would realize that someone with massive food issues might not want to be watched all the time.  

i guess i generally feel it most when i'm not the proudest of what i'm eating, if it's something i feel is a little processed like turkey bacon or these awesome green giant vegetables. i just feel this pressure to be perfect about all this and i feel it even more, and like i'm being even more imperfect, when everyone's watching me.

one size fits most

and i'm part of the most!! well, alright, this one-size-fits-most robes isn't the most flattering of robes there ever was, but it closed. i was presented with it when i had a mammogram recently, and i had that all-too-familiar worry that it wouldn't fit and that i'd have to ask for a larger one, or the only thing available in most cases, which would be a second one, to layer on top of this one so i wouldn't be exposed. the medical industry is one of those that a part of me expects would be kinder to obese people, but is just as cruel about it as the rest of the world. (case in point here). i have to say, while i'm on that subject, that my surgeon has recently opened a new office that is blissfully equipped for an obese clientele - large, comfortable scales, large, comfortable chairs, large, comfortable doorways. it's a sight to see, and one that feels appropriate and thoughtful, especially in that setting and it's shocking that it's the very first place i've ever seen it. but i digress...

ANYWAY, the reason for my first-ever mammogram and sonogram was because a few months ago, when i was undressing, i saw a literal lump on my left breast. i SAW it. then i felt it, and it was definitely there and then it dissipated back into my breast, never to be seen again. i'm a worrier, and i felt grim and frightened. i made an appointment with a breast doctor who didn't feel anything, but sent me for a mammo nonetheless, to be sure. my theory, my mom's theory and the doctor's theory too was that because of all the weight i've lost and the way my tissue is shifting and morphing all the time, it was probably a combination of that fact as well as new bra that was perhaps compressing me in a different way. 

but to be safe, i had my mammogram which i was pleasantly surprised did not hurt at all, and they called me back to have a repeat screening of my right breast where they saw "calcifications." since it was my first time, they didn't know if that was normal for me and wanted to get a good look. i went back, had the second one and was told that nothing looked terribly concerning and that i should come back in 6 months to have another one done so we can truly establish a baseline and know if these lumpy bumpy calcifications are normal for me.

but the robe fit!

through the turnstile

i really can't overstate what it feels like to walk through a subway turnstile straight forward, without having to slide through sideways. it feels like...nothing. which is amazing. it's amazing for things like that to feel effortless and without pain, shame or heartache. that's all for today.