some hair came out in the shower for the first time last night. although i knew it would happen, it was a little shocking nonetheless. i keep telling myself that unlike other conditions where people lose their hair because they're fighting for their life, i am lucky and grateful that i am getting my life back. still, i'm anxious to see where it will fall out from, and how i'll manage it.

over the last months, i've quipped about how ironic it would be to suddenly be thin for the first time, and bald. not seeming funny at the moment.

have a little faith in me

i've been having a rough few days. not in the sense that i'm in crisis or anything, i just feel unsettled about what i'm eating and how my progress is moving along. i had my six week check-up on monday and the surgeon was very pleased and said everything is going just as it should, so i should feel fine, but i feel overwhelmed with all the varying advice i get, and deeply doubting.

i have this deep, sinking feeling that i will be one of the many people who regain all their weight. i don't feel it in the sense that it's written in the stars - i know i'm in control of it and i don't believe my future - or anything for that matter - is predestined. i spoke about it with my therapist and was able to see that it's really just a deep-seated insecurity about my ability to do this, and to do it permanently. it doesn't have to do with the likelihood of success, it just has to do with the fear of failure and a heartache i can't even imagine, for me and those who love me. like most in my shoes, although i've had success in losing weight before, i have never finished the job, and i've certainly never kept it off.

so i think that that insecurity that lives so deep inside is coloring my world right now. i am feeling unsure about my food choices, afraid that the trial and error that is totally unavoidable in this process will derail me and bring me to some point of no return later. i'm worried about the fact that i feel hungry sometimes, and that i feel like i'd be physically capable of eating more than my pouch should allow. i don't push it and test it, but i have this feeling that i'd be able to - i don't feel the physical limitation in the way i thought i would, and it scares me, and i feel shame about it. i feel like of course i'd be the person who is still in danger of overeating 6 weeks after a gastric bypass, counting my calories, my "eating disorder voice" telling me i could eat more...

in some ways, there's too much input when i consider the different opinions of my nutritionist, my surgeon, his PA, people on the message boards, etc. and in other ways, i know they're the key to connecting with a community of people who get it, who've seen it work and not work, who've been there and who've done it - and on the message boards especially, probably the only community out there who knows what i know from living a life of obesity, and all the things i don't yet know from a life lived in pursuit of health and happiness.

i think the heart of the matter is that to allow myself to be on this journey, and really treat it like a journey - following my mind, my heart, my little pouch - i need to trust myself and have faith in me, something i don't find challenging in general, but find almost impossible in this arena.

in my last therapy session, i said very strongly i wanted a roadmap, and i knew then and i know now that i am the mapmaker in this life. i can take in everything being said to me by every book, professional and fellow WLS patient, but ultimately it's my own path to carve, and i can only do that from a "position of strength" as my mother wisely advised.

i guess my position of strength today is that i'm putting one foot in front of the other and making the best possible choices i can with the information i have and most of all, the things i've found to be true. and i'm going to feel good about it, and strong and proud. i'm going to do all i can to shed the shame that feels like it's following me around - something that had gone away when i decided to take charge and have the surgery. that's the best i can do today, and then tomorrow, i'll do it again, and maybe my choices will be the same, or maybe they'll be different as my set of information changes and evolves. but i have to choose to be comfortable in the driver's seat and in my own skin, or i won't grow and evolve the way i need to, and i won't ever be able to enjoy the journey i've chosen and truly, been given.

i know i have to choose to give myself that gift of trust; to have a little faith in me. i need to be strong enough to know i will make mistakes and learn my own lessons and craft my roadmap. one day, i'll have my own advice to give, and part of that will surely be to take heart and try not to be overwhelmed by all the mixed advice and experiences you hear about...to give yourself permission to be strong in creating your own roadmap even though you can't anticipate every turn - to be strong by not fearing failure that's just an illusion at the moment, especially when it stops you from embracing so much potential success.

that's what i'm saying to myself this morning.

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