it's hard to explain exactly how i felt last night...it was fajita night...which means tequila night and my whole family was happy and celebrating. we were on vacation and happy to all be together..music playing, laughter flowing and the tastiest of foods on the grill. but i was depressed, and alone.
in talking about it with molly and mitchell at different points of the night, i think i established that it mainly stems from not knowing who i am in the types of social situations i find myself in. before my throat surgery (removal of a pre-cancerous legion on one of my vocal folds) i used to dominate group situations with my voice, my humor, my stories. i also used to like drinking with the rest of my family, sometimes too much, i'll admit. but when i started having to change the way i use my voice, coupled with my continous attempts to lose weight, drinking became something that just worked against me, rather than for me.
now as i think about what lies ahead for me, i wonder after my surgery how i will be, who i will be, in these situations. not drinking, hardly eating, talking carefully...seems lonely and sad and unsure.
